Tall Oaks From Little Acorns Grow

A family of fisherman

2010-11-16T22:24:00.004-07:00

Earlier this year, Bill was lost. I had found a passion with food writing that turned into a career - something that took up my free time outside of the family. Bill didn't have much except for a dying love of disc golf. That difference was something that set our home life in a tailspin, creating resentment and stress. So, he started fly fishing this year. It has changed not only our family dynamics, but our life. With every person finding passion, we are one happy bunch. Bill and I have worked out a great schedule that offers us almost perfect balance. He's able to go fly fishing at least twice, if not three times a week. The river is a sanctuary for him - a break from work, a break from family - something that is only his alone. This addition of fly fishing really opened my eyes as to how important individual passion is for every person. And when that passion is gone, the life in someone dies.

Not only has Bill been fly fishing on his own, but he's been off on some cabin trips with friends to fish and has plans for some extravagant fishing trip for himself later next year - South America, possibly. Fortunately, we're in a place where we can do that kind of stuff now. And, as every father hopes to do with his sons one day (I'm sure), Bill has been teaching the boys about fishing here and there. Granted, they are too young right now for fly fishing, but they enjoy hanging out on the river (or pond) and scaring the fish away so nobody catches anything (which really isn't their purpose, but it's what happens). It's fantastic family time.

Winter is upon us and Bill is itching for spring. I am too. I love that he has something that restores his life so much.

Absence makes the family stronger

2010-11-10T10:09:00.003-07:00

Over the last year, things have been magnificent. It has been the best year of our lives. Happiness abounds, success grows rapidly for all of us - harmony, love and peace (between the sibling squabbles throughout the day) fills our home from floor to ceiling. We have achieved perfect balance - for the most part - understanding that it takes constant work to keep the scales level.

The major conflict that poisoned our family hasn't been around to infect me with hatred. A while back, Bill and I had another argument about the in-laws. Basically, I will always feel anxiety and rage around them, the open sore festering without them offering a bandage of healing. Before visits, I will become distant and tear up, on edge and very unhappy. Being around them is unpleasant, to say the least. But, this argument was about Bill understanding that this is how I will feel every time, and I understood that he still wanted to the kids to see them. And that was that. With tears brushed aside and both feeling heard, we hugged each other close and got ready for the obligated visit.

The visit was relatively uneventful, but still as unpleasant as ever. The in-laws have taken to the understanding that I am distant and unfriendly with them because of burnt bridges, and because they refuse to make steps towards progress - we aren't on speaking terms. As in, they ignore me as much as I do them. So here we are, at the mall, with them briefly hanging out with the kids for 15-30 minutes with only a few bits of conversation between them and Bill, and I'm on the sidelines because I refuse to be pushed out of my own family.

There have been the obligated phone calls a few times, but over the last few months, I've noticed they haven't happened at all. I don't dare open my mouth to ask why for fear it might change. I actually don't remember the last time the kids had a grandparent phone call. And, the in-laws were here in town for Cousin B's birthday at the beginning of the month. I didn't know about it before hand, and during an after-work conversation with Bill asking about his day, he said that he had lunch with his parents. And that was it. No visit. No phone calls. Nothing.

We couldn't be happier without them. And it shows.

Carter turns 2!

2010-10-13T09:57:00.007-06:00

After our summer vacation to Portland, we've decided that it's important to take vacations more often. Bill had the genius idea of going on vacation for the boys' birthdays. Since Carter's birthday was the next one in line, we decided to head down to Colorado Springs for the weekend to celebrate.

It was a nice drive straight down the 25, we booked a decent hotel that was close to a lot of activity. We went to a sports park where Logan and Bill rode go-carts, played video games and mini-golf. The boys had a blast hanging out in a huge indoor sandbox, digging for dinosaur bones. The next day we went to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, where they have more giraffes than I've seen in one single zoo. They have treats that you can buy to feed the giraffes and the kids LOVED it. We zipped through the rest, seeing big Grizzly Bears, overlooking the vast open landscape, and riding on carousels built in the early 1900's.

We also went to the Dinosaur Resource Center, where they had a huge T-Rex and massive prehistoric sea turtles (which I'd never seen before). It was a blast and the curators working there were so friendly and helpful with the kids. Logan was having an attitude problem and started to cry because he wanted to run around. He was quickly pulled out of his funk by one of the curators who talked to him about dinosaurs and had all sorts of items in his pockets, like claws and such. It was so fun, we ended up going back again later that day after lunch!

We explored some surrounding parts by the museum to check out fossil beds and then drove to the Cave Of The Winds. This was AMAZING. The boys had such a great time walking around, but it was a pain in the ass telling them to keep their hands to themselves every single step of the way (you can't touch the cave walls - or anything, really - and you will incur a huge fine if you do). There was a part of the tour where the guide turned off all of the lights. The darkness was suffocating and incredibly uncomfortable. I was holding Carter on my hip and I could feel him rubbing his face because the extreme darkness felt so awkward. We got a family picture in the cave, and Bill keeps it at work on his desk.

On our last day there, we went to the North Pole. What a weird, strange, fun place to have way up in the Rocky Mountains. It's filled with amusement park rides that Logan couldn't get enough of. Carter was a bit more apprehensive, but still had a great time. We ate ice cream and hot dogs, got dizzy, ran around, laughed and even had a moment for the boys to sit on Santa's lap. Carter didn't want to, but sat next to Logan. Logan didn't hesitate to ask for cars and dinosaurs for Christmas.

We drove home and opened Carter's birthday presents. It's so fun with him being two! He had a blast opening books, cars and his Dinosaur Train train set. The next day we had his birthday party with friends - 20 of them - all running around the house eating our traditional, delicious vegan cupcakes with butter cream frosting (that is obviously not vegan).

We had such a fun time celebrating Carter's 2nd birthday on vacation. I hope this is a new tradition that we can keep up with. What a way to create long-lasting family memories!!

A busy summer of fun

2010-10-06T10:11:00.000-06:00

When Logan graduated from Primary school and our summer officially started, I thought to myself "what in the hell are we going to do all summer long? What am I going to do with all of this extra time on my hands?" Well, it was more like "Extra time? What was I thinking!?"

Our summer has been extremely busy - in a good way! It was definitely designated as the summer of fun. Now that Logan is back in school (a first-day-of-school post coming soon) and Carter on his own in Toddler preschool classes (and his 2nd birthday post coming too!), I have two hours a week to free write. Wow, two whole hours.

There's a lot to catch up on...

We took a family trip up to Evergreen, Colorado to do some boating and fishing. Bill is into fly fishing BIG TIME after picking it up this summer. All he wants to do is fish and he can't wait until the boys are old enough to tag along with him. While we were up there, we saw a lot of fun animals like Mountain Goats and even drove up Mount Evans (a food post that I wrote on my restaurant blog), where we got stuck at the top of the mountain in a snow storm. Super scary!

Logan took a farm class for a week or so and had a chance to ride a pony - that I had to lead. Now, this was the biggest pony in the class, one hand short of a horse. And it was somewhat temperamental, stopping at it's own will, snorting and the like. It scared the crap out of me, as I'm not a horse person. The mom behind us had a nippy pony and kept getting bit. Thank god we didn't have that one! But Logan loved it all the same.

There were also a lot of times the kids got face paint. There were city festivals and other special functions. This was one of Logan's favorite designs, and it fits his "too cool for everyone" attitude.

We took many trips up to Estes Park this year for fishing and hanging out in the mountains. We even met our long-time blogging buddies Ashley and Paisley for lunch while they were on a summer vacation visit of their own. It was fun to catch up and even funnier that we already knew a whole lot about each other even though this was the first time we met. I love blogging.

There were many nights of running through sprinklers and eating push-pops. Swinging, slides, sandboxes, cars, bubbles and the boys spent a large chunk of time outside. I dread winter because we're all going to go stir-crazy.

Carter got into a lot of trouble, getting into the baking pantry. And everything else he could get his little hands on. He loves Logan so much - it's adorable. He tries to do everything his big brother does and often gets himself into messy predicaments because of it.

I also had a big scare with asthma and have had to keep rescue inhalers on hand. Clearly, I had to use them a lot and Carter knew exactly what they were for. Fortunately, he didn't know how to press down to get to the medication.

We did a lot of family weekend fun time - going on getaways, playing mini-golf, go-carts and more. The boys had a blast and it was great moments for Bill and I as parents to not just take the time to do these things with the kids, but to enjoy it with them. Teaching Logan how to play golf was awesome!

The boys also came along with me on restaurant reviews around town. Such horrible pain to have to eat cookies and tell me what they think. They are used to me taking pictures of their food when we go out and Logan has actually begun to develop his own food opinions - telling me what he thinks. And he's pretty spot on for a 4 year old. Another food critic in the making - or not.

So, that was about half of our summer. There's more to come - like Carter's 2nd birthday, Logan starting karate lessons, and all that. But, unless I can squeeze in a few moments over the weekend, it will have to wait for Monday!

October seems like a good month to start over

2010-10-04T19:10:00.003-06:00

I've been wracked with guilt over the last year or so about this blog, pulling at straws to find the space, the time, the commitment to write regularly like I once had. I feel as though moments of our life have slipped through my fingers, almost forgotten forever. Files of pictures on my desktop wait for editing, wait for a story to be told.

This was the whole reason I started this blog. To make sure we had memories recorded for all time and eternity and generations to come - but mostly for my own selfish reasons of needing a digital memory bank, not wanting to lose precious life moments like I have before. I never wanted my kids to think back on their own childhood, unable to remember a damn thing. But, selfishly again, I never wanted to look back on the second half of my life not remembering a damn thing. 15 years have already been lost forever.

I feel like this space is my heart and soul. This blog is me, my family, our life. I never wrote for an audience, for traffic, for stats (even though I used to obsessively check them). I wrote for me. My love for writing grew in this space. My love for blogging blossomed here. I look back on previous entries from when Logan was a small baby and weep with gratitude that I spent the time to record those memories.

In my absence on this blog, I feel like I've cheated my family. But also, which hurts me more (narcissistically enough), I feel like I've cheated myself.

I suppose this happens to everyone at some point in their life - they lose track, go off the beaten path and return to the straight and narrow. I suppose this happens to every long-term blogger, an ebb and flow of content and time. Some people give up and abandon theirs. I never will, no matter how long my absence is.

But, I think October is a good month to start over.

Logan is back in school and now Carter is, too. While I still blog professionally on my restaurant review blog (which takes up 90% of my writing time), the moments that both boys are in school - two hours a week - I can dedicate writing time to this blog again.

You can expect to read posts on Mondays and Wednesdays. It may take a few weeks to catch up on our summer of fun, but the "what we did today" posts will once again be balanced with those introspective essays I hold dear to my heart.

See you on Wednesday.

Finally free

2010-07-27T10:40:00.002-06:00

For two years, I was the President of one of the MOMS Club chapters here in town. At first, it was fun! It was a great way to be involved with my kids' social schedule and connect with other moms in our city. I really loved it, but it didn't last long.

Being in an organization of 50+ women, there is bound to be some drama. In each of the three years that I served on our board, there was some kind of nonsense to deal with. Moms having power trips and becoming playgroup nazi's, moms throwing tantrums because we needed to re-organize playgroups and they were no longer in the same group as their best friends (god forbid they try and make other friends), moms who felt like they needed to email International board members to complain about our chapter, and moms who would complain about anything at the drop of a hat. It got old and tiresome. It drained on me as a person and on my family. I began to dread board meetings and decisions that needed to be made because there was certainly somebody who was going to bitch about something and nobody gave a shit about the effort I put into our chapter.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was during the organization and planning of our annual charitable fundraiser. This year was the biggest, most involved and most successful fundraiser our chapter had ever done. It was a children's fashion show and silent auction to raise money for a non-profit in our city that helped single parents become financially independent and free from government assistance. There were tickets to be sold, items we needed for donation and more work than I ever imagined. It was so successful mostly in part of our Admin VP who put her head down and trudged through the challenges, overcoming obstacles and powering through the drama. She was amazing and it wouldn't have happened without her leadership.

I mentally gave up after people started complaining about it.

What got to me the most was when people were complaining about how they were asked to help sell tickets and promote the event, by a member who is known for her blunt and curt personality. Because they were not asked as they felt entitled, people began to boycott and protest the fundraiser. I wanted to knock some heads together, hoping it would spark some common sense.

"Here you are, bringing your Starbucks coffee to playgroup every week, being a stay-at-home mom, living in a $300,000 home, driving two cars and taking family vacations and you're going to punish single parents and children in our community, WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO SLEEP THE NEXT NIGHT, just because you don't like how you were asked to help sell tickets????"

I actually said this to people. I wanted to scream at them. I did scold one person pretty harshly. It was the most petty, ridiculous, selfish complaint I'd ever heard from a grown woman.

And I gave up. That was it for me. I was done.

I did a half-assed job for the next few months until my term ended on July 1st. It's been a month since I haven't had to field complaints or go to board meetings to make decisions that people didn't care about. It's been a month of freedom! So much less stress, so much more time to focus on things that are positive in our life. It's been eye-opening, to say the least.

We're still members of the chapter, but I'm not going to hold another position in any organizational aspect. This chapter in our life is closing and I feel like I'm finally free.

First Family Vacation!

2010-07-03T12:12:00.009-06:00

I felt my heart swell and my soul sing in Oregon; one of the most amazing and beautiful stretches of land in our Country.

With both boys growing and becoming more independent, they are easier to travel with, thus us deciding it was time to take our first family vacation. Portland was the first place I wanted to go after living there for a number of years and immediately falling in love with the scenery. On the plus side, my sisters still live there and the boys hadn't yet met their cousins. So it was sure to be a fun trip for all.

On the drive to the airport, we were filled with anticipation and excitement. The boys were all about it and got their groove on in the back seat.

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Our flight out there wasn't very fun, though. Logan was an awesome travel companion, set with his videos on the lap top and various activities to keep him entertained. Carter, however, was that crying baby on the plane. He actually started his hysterics in the airport while we were checking in. We were waiting in a huge line that moved slowly and Carter was screaming bloody murder the entire time. Being a seasoned mom, I was not bothered, nor flustered or angry that he wouldn't calm down. I'm callous to the worst terrible-two's tantrums imaginable.

Knowing that he was tired, there was no consoling him and my repeated attempts to shoosh him were futile. I just waited to him to conk out. That didn't stop some of the other people in line who thought they could calm him better than I. I just looked at them and shrugged my shoulders as they tried to unsuccessfully charm him. After taking off, he cried for another 10 minutes and passed out cold.

We stayed in Seaside which ended up being pretty cold. The first night we settled into the hotel room and then drove to the beach. Logan walked along the shore, experiencing the ocean for the first time. He immediately loved it. After years of not hearing the sound of the ocean, it was shockingly loud, yet comforting at the same time. It was an interesting realization that the sound is not gentle but amazingly powerful. I loved and missed it so much.

Later that night we drove up on to the beach at watched the sunset from our car. The beach was speckled with headlights from cars doing the same thing. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

The next morning we went straight to Cannon Beach and Haystack Rock. There were tide pools to explore and sea creatures to show the boys. It's a protected area so there were environmental specialists there to educate the public about the rock. They had binoculars and telescopes set up for people to bird watch and they gathered animals from the tide pools for kids to get up close and personal with. We watched a Bald Eagle grab a Puffin from the rock and fly away.

We spent most of the morning walking along the beach barefoot, getting soaked in the ocean waves, and enjoying every minute we could. It was pure bliss and some of the happiest family memories we share. Later that day we fed the seals at the aquarium and looked at huge, aggressive octopus.

The next day we drove down the coast to Tillamook. Driving along side the vast blue ocean with the road hugged by lush green forest, I was choked up and teary from the gorgeousness of it all. We stopped at Cape Mears Lighthouse that had recently suffered some damage to vandals, but the area was amazing, nonetheless.

Sadly, we weren't able to check out the top of the Lighthouse, but we did walk around and looked at the Octopus tree before heading to the Tillamook Cheese Factory.

The cheese factory was the lamest tour ever. They weren't even making any cheese while we were there. But, we did stay for lunch and I ate some delicious clam chowder and a milkshake. Tillamook makes a damn good ice cream.

The next day was Saturday, where we spent the day at Saturday's Market with my sister J and brother-in-law C. We browsed the tents for interesting finds, eating sugary elephant ears and Logan got to hang out at the carnival for the Rose Festival. He rode rides and played in ball pits with Bill. They shared some father-son time while I walked Carter around in his stroller to sleep. He also got a snazzy new shirt from his Aunt and Uncle because he spilled grape juice all over the one he was wearing.

We spent our 11th wedding anniversary at the zoo, in the rain, jumping in puddles and mesmerized by the dinosaur exhibit. Both boys are obsessed and loved every scary minute of that part of our day. Logan knows quite a bit more than we were aware of! He's totally into carnivores because they are "killing dinosaurs". Such a boy.

We played at The Children's Museum and also the Science and Discovery Center, where we met up with my other sister R and her kids, cousins that Logan and Carter have never really met. They all had fun splashing in tubs of water and playing in imaginary forests.

We drove over to the Columbia River Gorge with brilliant green mountains spotted with graceful waterfalls. We ate ice cream in Hood river and watched Kite Boarders. On the way back, we stopped at Multnoma Falls, powerful and gorgeous, with campfire smells drifting through the warm summer evening air filled with soft fluffs from the cottonwood trees. A summer snowstorm.

This week vacation, our first family vacation, was filled with some of the best memories that I will never forget. What a way to begin a family vacation trend! We plan to go on a winter vacation and I'm sure it will be just as magical.

Primary school graduation

2010-06-21T22:56:00.003-06:00

Last month (yes, I suck at updating right now) Logan graduated from Primary school. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning he went to school for a few hours, learning about bugs and books, the farm, shapes and the alphabet. He sang songs and played with friends. He grew by leaps and bounds.

Being Agnostic/Atheist (whatever the hell we are), my biggest fear of needing to have religious discussions with a 4 year old were never a reality. Despite saying prayers (which were sing-song type rhymes), his only explanation to me was that they were thank you's. Not even to God or Jesus. Just 'thank you'. That worked for me! He will be attending again next year, moving up to the Pre-K class, so we'll see if that trend continues.

On the last day of class, we all met at a park to play and have a picnic. Logan was sweet handing his cards to his teachers (all three of them), signing his own name to each one. He played with a friend who seemed to be one of his best friends in class, and his mom and I talked about meeting up over the summer to get the boys together again. I handed her my business card and haven't received an email. Maybe I shouldn't be handing out my business cards when I lack a pen? Tacky, maybe. But it's better than writing my email address in spit, blood or the playground sand.

I'm so proud of Logan and all that he learned in school this last year. I hope I don't screw it up over the summer. So far, I've only made him write his name once. Mommy FAIL.

Here is a video of Logan's Spring performance. It is freakin' funny watching him up there, twisting around, bored out of his mind, singing songs that he learned this year (although, I'm taking credit for the ABC's. We worked HARD for that one!) It really shows how sweet and cute he is. Fair warning, this video is long and only appeals to my family. Everyone else couldn't care less. Unless watching random school performances is your thing.

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Big Blogiversary

2010-05-21T13:21:00.004-06:00

I've been blogging for quite some time now, something like 5 years. I've had four different blogs - this one, my fitness blog (that's on hiatus pretty much), my food blog and the blog I write with my fellow writing group. So, I've celebrated a lot of blogiversaries (or however you want to spell it). While some have meant more than others, I do have to say the first anniversary of the food blog has resulted in the biggest celebration yet. Never in my life have I had a dinner with blog readers to celebrate a milestone. It was awesome!

Here's a recap post with pictures of the event. It was a five course dinner created specifically for the anniversary with over 40 people in attendance (readers and friends). It was a dinner that will be hard to forget!

I can do this

2010-05-20T15:19:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I wrote a post over on the blog for our writing group that I wanted to post there before here. After being a part of that group for over a year, our writing in general has become more honest and real, and I think most people are feeling safe enough to bare their souls in their writing. Myself included. This moment that inspired my writing shook me up a bit and I needed that wound to scab over before posting it here. History has proven on this blog that anytime I write about my childhood and the repercussions of living in an abusive home, there is sure to be Anonymous comments and hate mail.

So, after a few weeks of riding the curves and dips of that roller coaster ride, I'm back to smooth sailing (and writing certainly helped that) and need for this piece to be a part of my blog here. Because it is about my life and in this issue, I refuse to hide.

I can do this

Moments of insight

2010-05-18T22:10:00.002-06:00

The other day I was in the gym, first training a client and then sticking around to do an hour of cardio myself. I've bumped up my cardio quite a bit since becoming a food writer. The constant eating out to get content for reviews takes its toll. The weight sneaks up on you when you're not looking until one day you catch a glimps in the mirror and realize it's time to get crackin' before this junk in the trunk gets out of control.

I've doubled my cardio time and in the next week I'll do cardio doubles on top of that (2 hours of cardio a day) on top of weight training at least 3 days a week, one of them being plyometrics. It's a hell of a lot of working out, but I eat a hell of a lot, too. That's the Law Of Thermodynamics for you.

While I'm on cardio, I do high intensity intervals, focusing on at least 70% of my maximum heart rate. I push the limits as best I can. Most people hate doing cardio, just going through the motions and moaning and groaning about it, but I love it. I love it because it makes me sweat, I love it because it give me a high from the adrenaline rush, I love it because it makes me feel pain.

And then it hit me.

During these moments of intensity, there is clarity. An epiphany, personal insight, a time where I could pay myself $100 for being my own psychiatrist.

I was thinking about the cycle of eating and working out and how in order to be a "perfect size" that I'd absolutely have to give up food writing. It came to me that that's not really what I want. I don't want to have the flat abs I used to have before I got pregnant with Logan when I was at the peak of my training career. I don't want to go back to that athletic build.

Why? Because it's pointless.

When I reached my fitness goal pre-kids, obtaining the perfect body fat percentage, it was the most anti-climatic moment in my life. Months of hard work, hours of training in the gym, anal analysis of my food and enough supplements to kill a horse. I did it. I achieved perfect body status (for me, anyway) and it gave me such an empty feeling. I was left thinking, now what do I do?

Most people workout to eat. I eat to workout.

I love the gym and it will always be a part of my life. Often times you need to keep a goal in mind so that you continue to have motivation for workouts in the gym. I'm not a runner and have no desire to do a marathon, a triathlon, or any kind of race for that matter. But, managing the balance of food writing is a goal, really, and I can push myself to the max.

Then there is the eating itself. I spent almost 2 years of my life not being able to eat. Constant nausea, planing my menus to what would feel better coming back up. Pregnancy almost killed me. And I never want to limit the joys in my life just to fit in a pair of jeans.

That's not to say I'm going to let myself go. But I'm not counting macronutrient combinations anymore.

So, while I was sweating and breathing deep with chills coursing through my blood during a burst of adrenaline, I realized that I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to eat and write and workout and always have some reason to push myself in the gym. I've grown to love the curves I never had before and don't want to lose them. Complex and weird, I'm sure, but it was a defining moment for me.

Family weekend fun

2010-05-03T11:58:00.009-06:00

Now that it's getting nice outside and Carter is getting a bit older, we are making a tradition of having a family fun day on the weekends. It started earlier this year with a trip to the Denver Science Museum and then the Aquarium. We just got the new car and felt up for a few road trips. We all had a blast, especially Logan, learning about dinosaurs and outer space.

Bill and Logan had space shuttle races, we checked out a thermal camera where Bill was totally red and I was all blue (which demonstrated our extreme differences in body temperature).

Logan was so excited to check out the fossils and Carter loved just tagging along and running around. I really wished there were more exhibits for the kids, as most of it was pretty boring for them (gems? No thanks). This museum really needs some more funding.

Later that same day we went to the aquarium. Carter was thrilled with the fish and the chance to run around some more. Logan was a bit intimidated by the large sharks and a little freaked out by the sting rays that jumped out of the tanks, but he was happy as a clam to get a dinosaur painted on his face.

The next weekend, we went back down to check out the Children's Museum. It was completely crowded and insane, but the boys still had a great time. They got to climb around, hang out in a reading forest, play basketball, learn about a vet clinic and play with all sorts of toys.

A few weeks ago Bill was supposed to take another business trip to London and Cork. He was going to be gone for a week and a half and it was important that we spend some quality time together before he left. We packed up the kids and spent another whole day in Denver, first at the zoo and then an early dinner at Casa Bonita.

This had to be the best family day we've had yet, hands down. Everyone was in good spirits, smiles and laughter, fun and adventure was had. Not once did anyone cry, throw a tantrum or argue. It was awesome!!!

On our way down to Denver, we stopped at a diner known for their enormous cinnamon rolls. Logan loves getting them and he splits it with Carter. Bill just loves eating at greasy spoons, so he was happy. It's a good way to fill up on a hearty breakfast.

We got to the zoo not long after it opened for the day. It was nice out, not too cold and not hot, not too many people - perfect. One of the first animal exhibits we saw were of some mountain goats, one of which had just had a baby and was licking it clean. Logan loved looking at all of the animals, even after a large, poop-flinging monkey jumped fiercely at the glass, scaring the bejesus out of him and Carter.

We took a train ride (lame, but the boys liked it) and rode the carousel (which Carter did not like). We ate cotton candy, saw fun animals and had an amazing day.

Just as it was about to rain cats and dogs, we left to go to Casa Bonita. I'd never been before, but Bill had a handful of times when we lived in Denver. He really wanted the boys to experience the Mexican insanity.

This is the best review I've ever read on Casa Bonita. It hits the nail on the head.

With chlorine permeating the air and hitting you smack in the nose the minute you open the front door, a complete sensory overload with terrible food, you only need to go to Casa Bonita once. After eating the cafeteria food, I think I ate my weight in sopaipillas. Best I've ever had. Greasy, fluffy pillows of deliciousness.

We got the boys some glow swords from one of the vendors walking around, watched a terrible act with cliff divers and a guy in a gorilla suit, tried to play video games (most were out of order or broken without signage), walked through Black Bart's Cave where Logan flipped out saying he wanted to get out of there fast (no haunted houses for this kid!) and left in a complete daze.

The next weekend we took the kids to a fishing expo, because Bill is picking up fly fishing this summer. The expo was totally lame, but they did have a large tank of trout where the kids could fish. It was freezing and windy as hell out, so Carter and I stood by the side watching as Bill helped Logan catch a fish. There was a time limit so people could rotate turns. Just as the last minute was almost up, Logan caught a fish! Granted, this was totally cheating when it comes to fishing, but he was the only one who caught one and was so excited. It was adorable.

This last weekend we had our first family day at the movie theater. Logan has had a handful of father-son movie dates and loves it. We thought Carter would be old enough to enjoy it. Loaded up with popcorn, soda and candy, we sat at the back of the theater with lots of room to spread out. We watched How To Train Your Dragon. Carter did not last very long and I missed about 90% of the movie. He and I ended up walking the halls with him making friends everywhere he went. One of the movie attendants gave him a pair of 3-D glasses that were bigger than his head. He smiled his big, cheesy grin walking around with them on with people oooing and awwwing. He's such a clown and loves the attention.

Each weekend we do something together that really bonds us as a family. I'm so proud of these times we share and I'm lucky to have a husband and adorable kids to enjoy then with. I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer has in store for us.

You know what they say, no news is good news

2010-04-11T23:29:00.002-06:00

I think about this blog every single day. It's meant so much to me over the last five years. It holds every detail of the growth of our family, the challenges and the victories. It contains the deep hurts I've experienced in my life and the greatest joys I've ever felt. This blog is our life.

Over the last year or so, I haven't been able to keep up with my daily posts as I once did. I am now a professional blogger, our cities top food critic. I am amazed at the success I've had and it really is quite unbelievable. But it also is a job and it takes up every single bit of my free writing time. Which leaves almost nothing for our blog here. And that? Kills me.

I will never abandon this blog. Ever. It would be devastating to publish a "Thanks and that's all folks!" post (which I'm sure some of you thought I was in the process of writing). But, if you've been a reader for a while or know me personally, you know that I'm terrible with balance. It's a constant struggle. Someday I know that I'll be able to get back to writing more than once a week on here. But for now, that will have to do. Because it's better than nothing.

Really, though. No news is good news. There hasn't been much to write about because everything is going so well. And "going well" also means "pretty boring". But I thought I'd do a little summary - in bullet fashion. Why not?

Bill started fly fishing this year. Actually, he just finished a two day hands-on seminar and now he's ready to jump in the river with his friends. This is so good for him because it gives him the sense of self that he's been missing for a while.
Logan is doing great in school and is an avid video gamer already (just like his Dad). I'm thrilled that it's warm outside so he can get out and away from the living room.
Carter is a solid little tag along and is learning to talk (I love it!!) I'm going to try and get video to post.
Rex is growing and learning the ropes quickly. She's been in puppy school once a week and then goes to doggie daycare all day a few days a week. This has been a life saver. Both mine and hers.
I'm helping to organize our MOMS Club fundraiser - a children's fashion show and silent auction. I've been asked to write an article for our local paper for another fundraiser. I've decided to do some public speaking about being a professional blogger and then? I'm also organizing the first year anniversary dinner for the food blog. Yeah. See why I'm not writing here so often?
There has been virtually no news with the in-laws. I honestly don't remember the last time Logan had a forced, scheduled call with them (that was supposed to be every Sunday). Maybe right after we got Rex? Looks like that fell through pretty quick. Oddly enough, no phone calls, no sessions, no visits? Our house is back on the "happiest ever" track. Bill and I had a good conversation about it the other week at dinner. I just hope with all my might that it stays like this.
Wow - these are long bullet paragraphs....

So, there you have it. Happy, doing fun things and living full lives. Couldn't ask for anything more.

Easter 2010

2010-04-05T14:26:00.006-06:00

Ahhh, Easter. A sure sign of spring and such a fun little holiday. This Easter was quite fun with the boys, especially now that they are both able to enjoy the festivities to the fullest.

On Saturday morning we took them to our MOMS Club Easter Egg Hunt. Last year it was freezing and somewhat miserable, but this year the weather was much more cooperative, with a slight cool breeze on a crisp spring morning. The boys had a blast gathering the brightly colored eggs filled with sugary goodness. Logan was on a serious hunt, filling his yellow felt Easter basket that looked like a chick. This was Carter's first year of actually hunting and caught on quick. He ran around gathering a few eggs, eventually abandoning his basket to go run off in an open field.

We stuck around for a little bit to drink coffee, juice and snack on all of the goodies that people brought to share. Bill had to leave a little early, so we weren't able to hang out that long. It was still a fun morning though.

On Easter morning, the boys woke up to baskets filled with board books, sunglasses, coloring books, some Jelly Beans and chocolate. Bill made a big pancake breakfast and we hung out in our pajamas just chillin'. It warmed up a bit in the afternoon and we took a family walk to the park with Rex and the boys riding in Logan's power wheels car.

It was such a fun, relaxing, warm way to enjoy the holiday. Happiness, for sure.

Projection and prevention at the Dentist

2010-03-28T11:23:00.003-06:00

I've never had a cavity in my life. I've always been proud of that and mostly, because I hate the thought of being drilled in the teeth. Every trip to the dentist was fun because they'd poke around clean a bit and send me off on my way, reminding me to floss more often.

Then when I was pregnant with Logan, I developed some serious tooth pain. I went in to get checked out, sure that I had a cavity from being sick all day long for months on end, wearing the enamel on my teeth. Without taking x-rays because of the growing baby Logan, I was told I had six cavities. SIX. Scared to death, I never went back to have them filled after Logan was born.

Then, before getting pregnant with Carter, I thought it would be wise to get my teeth checked out again and take care of any problems before going into pregnancy again. At a new dentist, they took x-rays and said that I did not, in fact, have six cavities, but only two. I needed to schedule an appointment to come back. I got the bill and almost fell over. I never went back because I'd have to take out a loan if I had to pay that much.

Years went by, kids grew and my teeth were pain-free. Although I had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that the longer I let these cavities sit, the more likely I'd need a root canal. Yikes. So, taking the recommendation of a friend, I called her dentist to get checked out.

The office was great, the staff was friendly. And you know what? I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE CAVITY. Right. I went from six, to two, to ZERO. I think tears welled up in my eyes when my hygienist said I was cavity-free.

Those years of living in dental fear prevented me from taking my own kids to the dentist. Afraid that we'd be lied to or trapped in some kind of dental con, I procrastinated on making Logan an appointment. It only exacerbated the already existing Mother Guilt that comes with the job.

After my wonderful appointment where my teeth were taken care of rather than my wallet, I felt that fear subside and made Logan his first dental appointment. He went to one of the big pediatric practices here in town and felt safe having a back-up plan. If they said he had any cavities, then I'd take him to my dentist for a second opinion.

The pediatric practice is huge and so much fun for the kids. There are video games and climbing structures. It's like a McDonald's play land inside a dental office. They are very efficient and you often times don't have a moment to sit before they are ready for your appointment. Almost to a fault.

Logan checked out great. No cavities and very healthy teeth. Although he needs better brushing on his upper front teeth. The dentist also said that Logan will probably need braces in the future and advised me to start saving now. They run about $5,000 (holy crap). Then? He dropped a bomb. Logan has a special dental case....

He has an extra permanent tooth.

Called a 'Supernumerary' tooth, it's growing on the top front (proximal #G). He's going to have to have it removed when he's about six years old. Poor kid. Apparently they don't see too many of these and it made for an interesting clinical day for the dentist.

Other than that little discovery, our visit was fun and stress-free. I hate that I've run into some shady dentists that have tried to drill unnecessarily, risking my health for their padded bank accounts and that creating that fear jeopardized the dental health of my kids. But, all is good now. No cavities, just an extra tooth.

Cat-less

2010-03-19T11:54:00.004-06:00

For months we've discussed the issue of cat allergies at home. Bill is allergic to Kitty and seemed to be getting worse. Sneezing, runny nose, boxes of Kleenex in handy places. His allergies were getting so bad that it interfered with party invitations at people's homes that had cats. We would go only to have Bill become anti-social and in misery from sinus problems. If we go to a party and there's a cat, we end up leaving in a short amount of time, always the first people to leave the party.

Logan's allergies have also been getting worse, mostly his eczema. Kitty has been sleeping in his room at night and Logan's legs have been horrible. The other day when I went to wash his sheets, I noticed splotches of blood from him scratching his legs all night long. Then, after an afternoon of driving his Power Wheels car around, he pet a neighborhood cat and huge welts formed on his forehead. I had to accept that Kitty needed a new home.

In this months-long process, a good friend of mine offered to adopt Kitty. This was the best option for us. I knew Kitty would be in a fabulous home, plus, we'd be able to see her again when we visit. I couldn't have asked for a better solution.

I broke the news to Logan the other night, explaining that Kitty was going to live at his friend's house because he and Dad were allergic to her. "Forever?" he asked. "Yes, forever." I explained. He understood completely and asked if we'd be able to visit. No tears, no concern. He felt good about Kitty living at his friend's house.

Last night I packed up all of her things - food, litter box, and extra litter. I got her into her carrier and drove her to her new home. We stood by the kitchen, opened the crate and let her out. She seemed a bit freaked out (because she hates car rides) but felt comfortable enough to jump out and start exploring. Of course, I cried on my friend's shoulder while in a long hug, which resulted in us both crying.

Kitty is such a cute cuddle cat, loving to be pet and full of affection. She would sneak into our room at night to sleep next to me like a little live teddy bear. When I was pregnant, she would do her "squishy dance" on my stomach, giving me kitty massages on my sore sternum. As allergies became a bigger problem, I wouldn't be able to pet her as much because then Bill wouldn't be able to touch me.

I love cats and I will always love cats. I love them more than dogs, for sure. I will miss having her around the house, but I know this is for the best. So, now we are cat-less.

Parent-Teacher conference

2010-03-14T13:47:00.004-06:00

Last week Logan had his second parent-teacher conference. In his classroom, there is a large round table with his three teachers sitting on one side with a stack of student files and on the other side there are a couple of chairs for the parents. As a parent, this is always an intimidating situation, filled with doubt and subtle hints of guilt, wondering if I've done my job as a mom to a preschooler.

His Spring Progress review was handed over, with bill sitting next to me and the boys at the next table over coloring. Each skill is rated with a NY (not yet), P (Progressing or sometimes) or an R (Ready or consistent).

For Autonomy/Social Skills, Work Habits, he scored a few "P's": sits among children remaining in own space, moves cooperatively from one activity to another, cleans up toys and materials.

This all sounded so familiar since he's like this at home, too. His teachers emphasized how Logan does not like to clean up and tends to dig his heals in when he decides he doesn't want to do something.

For Oral Language, he scored only one "P": Uses present and past verb tense.

I was relieved and almost shocked that his speech development was on track. This is totally my own mommy-guilt from when he was behind on his speech development before. Since then, I seem to be overly concerned that he's getting back to where he needs to be. I know exactly what he's saying, but still get concerned if I have to act as interpreter when he's talking to other adults (and sometimes kids). But, his Dr and his teachers aren't concerned in the least and say he's making great improvements.

For Children's Literature, he scored "P's on: retelling a story that has been read aloud including characters with a beginning and an ending, attends and listens to illustrated picture books, "reads"/tells a story using a picture book.

I thought these were interesting because he does this all the time at home, even if he tends to be restless. He's always reading to me or to Carter. But, maybe not a whole story.

On Emerging Literacy Skills, he scored one "P": colors a simple drawing staying within the lines.

This boy has never enjoyed art or coloring, and I've never pushed him to stay within the lines (other than on his tracing skills workbook). I'm not surprised at this result at all.

Mathematical Reasoning/Number Sense scores had "P's" on: continues a simple pattern, illustrates the concept of 'put together' and 'take away' with sets of 1-4 objects, names a circle, square and triangle.

We don't work on math skills much at home other than counting, so I suppose it's time to start thinking about math! However, he does know his shapes and I have no idea why he's confused about a square - which is the only shape he didn't name for them.

Orientation in Time and Space resulted in the first "NY" score: uses a schedule of daily activities represented in images to describe order of events during the day.

This. Is. My. Day. "what are we doing today? Where are we going? When are we eating? Is it lunchtime yet? Can I have a snack?" This is constant, no matter what I tell him or how I try to explain it.

In Scientific Reasoning, he scored a "P" on: names body parts.

Really? This is a surprise to me!

Music and Visual Arts scores were: "P" on imitates clapping sequence up to 3, cuts a straight line and "NY" on indicates the number of sounds heard up to 4 and draws simple stick figure.

Since I don't force him to do arts and crafts stuff, I wasn't aware of the fact that we didn't know how to draw a stick figure. We've been practicing much more and he hates it, but i still don't push.

In the comments section, his teachers wrote, "Logan enjoys learning and playing with the other children. He shares his ideas easily. We are looking forward to having Logan in class next year. Thank you for sharing him with us!"

His teachers assured me that Logan isn't behind or lacking in skill. His "P" and "NY" grades are developmental rates we shouldn't be concerned over. He's dong very well, has a lot of friends and is apparently quite popular.

It's a strange feeling to watch your kids grow up into their own person, and being responsible for their learning and development. There are so many highs and lows and constant wondering if you are doing enough as a parent. It's never perfect, but I think Logan's doing just fine.

Scheduling silence

2010-03-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

Wow. Who knew that silence was such a precious commodity? My days are filled with chaos. I love the pace of being that busy, although I do need a pajama day every weekend. However, the noise associated with a lifestyle like this is irritating beyond imagination. Don't they use noise as torture? Whoever "they" are. I can see how it would work to break a person to their limits.

"MOM! I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!"

"WWWWAAAAA, BINKI!"

"BARK, BARK, BARK!"

"MEOW, HISSSSSSS!"

Then add in some background noise of cartoons on the TV, the keyboard being left on in the playroom and my email notifications coming through my phone every 10 seconds. Imagine this noise going on for 12 hours straight - from 7am to 7pm until bedtime.

It's no wonder I have limited patience and headaches.

I try to schedule silence for all of us during the day. Today? It only lasted 18 minutes. 18 minutes of blissful silence, peace and serenity. I guess it's better than nothing. But I need more of it.

I'm actually very good at scheduling "me" time. I'm out of the house, doing my thing separate from family and kids, creating a sense of self and accomplishment many times a week. But, there is still an imbalance. I'm so GO, GO, GO that I never schedule a STOP. No meetings, no emails, no talking, no music, no stimulation. I need a moment of nothing.

I'm terrible at yoga (which would be perfect for a situation like this) because I can't focus worth a damn. My mind never stops. But, now that spring is approaching with warm, sunny weather where we can enjoy the outdoors again, I'm thinking that it's time to take advantage of the biking system here in town - alone.

I'm trying to figure out where to put that in my very tight schedule. I might have to do it in the morning. Maybe a little silence and sunrise would do my mind some good.

Logan's 4 year check-up

2010-03-08T09:50:00.004-07:00

He's a tall, skinny kid now. No longer a baby or a toddler, but a big grown preschooler. We sat in the living room together while Carter was napping, taking his "tests". I asked him questions, like "What do you do when you are tired?" and "Tell me things about your ball". We played catch to see if he caught the ball with both hands, watched to see how he threw a ball overhand and hopped on one foot. We put a puzzle together, that was only supposed to be six pieces, but we didn't have puzzles that small. He put a large puzzle together by himself just fine. He copied letters that I wrote on a piece of paper and determined which shapes were the smallest. He told me his first and last name, his age, his address and my phone number.

He passed the 48 month Ages & Stages questionnaire with flying colors.

At his appointment, he measured 42.75 inches in height (90%) and weighed 39.4 pounds (75%). They checked his BMI (15.1% 25), his vision (20/40) and his hearing (he passed).

This was the first appointment where he was actively involved, where Dr. B asked him a slew of questions directly. She asked him about school, where he slept at home, what kinds of healthy foods he ate and checked his spine for scoliosis. The topic of vaccinations never came up, because at this point, she knows better.

My only concern for Logan was his ever problematic eczema. His legs are horrible, with red, scratched raw sores. His hips, butt, torso and arms are less so, but still uncomfortable for him. It seems as though we've tried everything - different lotions and creams, bleach baths, and baking soda soaks. Dr. B suggested that he wear a double layer of pajamas - the under layer wet and the top layer dry, to help trap in moisture. Logan was and is still not going for this, concerned that he's going to be cold at night (he's smart, because it does sound uncomfortable). We are going to try out some probiotics before we go down the steroid road.

Our long, lanky boy is healthy and strong, growing right on track (despite his continued finickiness at the dinner table). He still drives me insane with back talk, attitude and tantrums, but I guess that's how it still goes with preschoolers (it's no wonder why I have gray hair). His second preschool parent-teacher conference is later this week and I can't wait for that!

Meet Rex

2010-02-23T15:41:00.005-07:00

Not long after we had to put Buddha down, there was talk about getting another dog. I was very reluctant for many reasons. First, Buddha's loss was hard for me. Even though towards the end of his days we weren't the best of pals, he was our first dog from the very first day that Bill and I moved into our apartment together. I think about him and still get choked up (and still teary now as I write about him).

Then there was the fact that having a dog is a big responsibility. We now have two kids and I knew that I was going to be the one to take care of the new dog most of the time - house training, stopping them from chewing on Carter's toys, all in between diaper changes and preschool.

Bill had been in a funk and we thought that getting a dog would be something to help get him out. Not only that, but Logan CONSTANTLY talked about getting a dog. Last week as he sat on the couch watching cartoons, he turned to me and said, "Mom, I really love the dog we don't have yet." Yeah, that was a big motivator.

Bill had been looking through pet ads and animal rescue listings daily. We had talked about it for weeks, maybe even months - about what type of dog, the age of the dog and so forth. One day he came across an ad on Craigslist for some 8 week old Dorgis (Dachshund-Corgi mixes) that a college vet student had as an accident litter from her roommates intact dog. They were cute, they were small and just the kind of dog we were looking for.

We took the boys with us after Bill got home from work to see if they liked them and see how friendly the litter was. Logan fell in love instantly, Carter, not so much. We let Logan pick the one he wanted; a small and precious little girl pup who was sweeter than any dog we've had. He wanted to name her "Rex", as in "T-Rex", even though she was a girl. Sure, whatever.

We brought her home and she took an instant liking to me (probably because I'm a mom and I knew exactly what she needed. It was just that mom instinct). She was a bit clingy and needy, wanting to be held and cuddled, but you couldn't blame her since she was just a baby with a new family on her first day. As the weekend progressed, she was quick to house-train and soon felt right at home. And Carter finally warmed up to her and accepted her as part of the family.

She follows us around the house, cuddles with Bill on the couch at night and runs around with Logan in the back yard, bouncing in the snow like a little bunny. She sleeps on my feet when I work on the laptop and is just way too cute for words. Here, see for yourself...

Getaway Guilt

2010-02-19T21:44:00.002-07:00

For the first time in four years, since we've been parents, Bill and I left the kids at home with a sitter and we spent the night in Denver. We had been talking about doing this for a while, but the problem always came down to finding a sitter. Well, my friend and training client talked about doing trades for overnight babysitting a few months ago. I was game. As long as I could bring my laptop so I could work when her kids were asleep, it would be a piece of cake.

Once the date was set, we got a hook up for our hotel room and I started looking for fancy-pants restaurants to go to. Everything was set and the night we were leaving I started dinner and bedtime routines just before my friend came over.

And Carter started to get a fever.

I had so much guilt and didn't know what to do. We had these plans in place, had been looking forward to this night for so long, my friend was on her way and now Carter was crashing. He only had a low-grade fever, but still. A freakin' fever.

My friend arrived and I told her what was up. Having more experience in child care than most people (it's her business) she said that it was cool and told me not to worry. We made a deal - if he started puking, then I'd owe her a weekend (what an awesome friend she is!)

It took me the whole drive to Denver to shake that guilt from not only leaving the kids for a night for the first time, but leaving my toddler sick. I knew they were in great hands, but ugh...mom guilt is insane. Once we got to the hotel though, everything was fine and we were ready to have fun.

After discovering that I left my toothbrush at home and waiting a ridiculous amount of time for room service to bring one up for me, we left the hotel too late to eat diner at any of the amazing restaurants that I wanted to try. We walked around the corner from the hotel and found a recommended spot - that was a sports grill. As a food writer, I opened the menu and my heart broke. Burgers, fries and the Nuggets game on flat screen TV's when I was looking forward to white table cloths and duck confit.

At first I was so upset I was getting angry. I felt a bit cheated. But, I got a martini, thought "what the hell, we're out and no matter what, we'll have fun." Bill suggested a menu item, I got it and we did in fact, have fun.

After dinner we took a carriage ride around the 16th street mall and Larimer Square. It was fun and we chatted up the driver while shivering in the cold. We went bar hopping all over, and went to a few clubs. We had an amazing, fun, wild time. Our night ended up being our own version of The Hangover, but rather than missing teeth, random babies and a tiger in the bathroom; I had my wallet and phone stolen and a mysterious gigantic bruise on my knee. I guess shots of Patron will do that.

We picked up the pieces, canceling our credit/debit cards, bank accounts and putting a security shutdown on my phone. We drove home laughing about what had transpired. It was only a $30-something loss from the thief filling up their gas tank at a gas station. No harm done, really. And I got to upgrade my phone to a Blackberry (something I really needed now that writing is taking off).

We got home and the kids were fine. Logan, who I was never really worried about because he can pretty much take care of himself, did very well. Carter was even fine, despite not feeling well (and never threw up). We hung out and cuddled with the boys, watched TV and laughed about our night out. It was a great one night getaway...even if I don't recall the last half.

Now we'll see how much getaway guilt I have when we go to Vegas for the weekend. And hopefully I won't find a tiger in the bathroom.

For Everything There is a Season

2010-02-14T11:05:00.005-07:00

While waiting for my Pad Thai at one of the Thai restaurants in town that I was reviewing, my friend and I sat there talking about marriage and the troubles we've been through. This was during the time that Bill was away for business in Europe and we were trying to get back on track after a rough couple of months. My friend had shared that she and her husband went through a period of separation and made the comment that every relationship goes through winter, or something like that.

That analogy struck a cord with me.

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I am an observer of patterns. I often talk about the "pendulum" pattern: when good times turn bad, it will always become good again at some point. Nothing stays the same, there's a yin and yang to every part of life, ebb and flow, even in relationships and especially marriage. A season of winter made so much sense.

The turbulent months that we had gone through, mostly from about October/November to the end of January, wasn't because of something that someone was doing or not doing, it wasn't due to a lack of honesty (frankly, those months were the most honest in almost all of our marriage), it wasn't due to crisis. In fact, we had been in crisis mode for years, trying to survive during financial hardships, lawsuits, job changes and in-law problems. While life may not always be peachy keen, it's the best it's ever been and we aren't in crisis mode any longer. It's been an adjustment. We made a good team when confronted with the problems life threw at us, but when in calm waters, we had almost nothing in common. Bill made the comment that he wished we were broke again or facing some kind of traumatic life change, because those were the moments we really supported one another. Those were the times we connected.

This right now was winter.

Our relationship was dull, dead, gray and cold. There was no passion, no excitement, nothing. I had many aspects in my life that gave me a sense of self and purpose; I had MOMS Club, personal training, writing group, my work as a food writer, nights out with my friends and taking care of the boys. My life was full of a variety of interests and activities, always packed with fun and excitement, but none of it included Bill. He had work and a dying interest in disc golf. He was lost and being so made it even harder for us to find each other in his fog. However, there was still that deep soul-binding connection that wouldn't let us give up (as much as we told each other that we didn't know what to do) and to try as hard as we could to figure out a way to last until Spring.

We had a marriage counseling session before Bill left for his long business trip. I expressed my deepest fear of that when Bill was on his own halfway around the world for so long, he would realize life was better without "us" and would want a divorce. We had talked about this together prior to the session, and he assured me then in that room, as he did during our conversations at home, that he wouldn't do that. He was in this for the long haul and would do anything to get us back to a better place.

Our counselor reassured me that Bill has tried and continues to try harder than any husband she's worked with before. She also reminded us that despite how we felt, we were in a very lucky spot - trying to improve our relationship to make it amazing rather than healing from trauma. Now that we weren't trying to figure our way out of a problem, we were in the fortunate position to think about fun things to do, together and as a family, that we could find a common interest in - vacations, activities, things we've always wanted to do but were never able to do in the past. It was suggested that Bill come up with a bucket list and find things that he would love to do individually, activities that would give him a sense of self and spark his passions in life.

It was the day before Bill left on his trip that we both felt that change for the better. We had been working on communication and rekindling that spark. The timing of his trip was terrible because we wanted so desperately to keep on this without an almost 20 day break. However, that break only made us want to work on our marriage even harder.

It was an eye-opening experience for both of us. That trip ended up being similar to a separation, showing us for a brief moment what life would be like without each other, how much the kids would be effected, and really, how much love we had for one another. Our relationship was completely different upon his return.

It was Spring.

He's been back for only a few weeks and the honeymoon phase has passed, but we are still on good ground. He's sent me flowers from work, we email loves notes to one another and both make an effort to support each other's individual passions. He's been more supportive in my food writing endeavors, attending event dinners that he'd rather not, and buying me books to hone my skills. I've been open to him taking a few hours for himself every week this summer to try out fly fishing and a few weekend camping trips with his friends. We have even thought about trying Krav Maga together as a shared interest (we've yet to sign up). We are working to find that balance of family, marriage and self for each other.

We spent a night in Denver away from the kids, the first night we've ever had to ourselves since we've been parents (this totally merits it own post). On our drive home after a wild and crazy night on the town, it was re-confirmed that Bill is my best friend in the entire world. No matter what insanity we go through, he's there with me picking up the pieces and assures me that there's "no harm done" despite my stupid antics. I understood why I try so hard in our marriage to keep this relationship. It's so easy for me to cast someone in my life to the side or abandon them altogether (whatever the reason may be), but Bill is the only person I've ever fought tooth and nail for, tried with all my might and soul. My love for him is so deep.

It's important for me to remember this season of winter we lived through, to understand that at some point we will go through summer and autumn and find ourselves cycled in the cold and darkness of winter again. Life is never perfect and it always changes. For everything there is a season.

Logan's 4th birthday

2010-01-31T22:56:00.002-07:00

It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years since the day that Logan was born and our life changed instantly. I feel like at this point in motherhood, I've hit my stride. I'm not saying it's easy, but we're in a groove and even with the now 4-year old back talk (that drives me NUTS) we've got a pretty good handle on things.

It's about time because the last 4 years have been some of the most challenging, most rewarding, most mind-numbing, most fun years I've had in my life. A mixed bag for sure.

We celebrated Logan's birthday with a huge dinosaur-themed party with his friends. This was the first year that we organized games and activities and lunch, rather than just hosting a playtime with snacks and cupcakes. 4 year old's have "real" birthday parties. So, invitations were sent to 20 of his friends and their parents and siblings came along with. We hosted here at home and had close to 40 people in our house. I made cupcakes (the same vegan chocolate cupcakes with butter cream frosting that I always make for birthdays) with orange frosting because that's Logan's favorite color, then we ordered about 10 pizzas and had both a fruit and vegetable tray.

Everyone hung around for a while eating lunch and chatting. We're lucky that even though it was a full house, we have enough room to host such a big party without everyone stepping on each other. There were people in the front room, people in the living room, people in the kitchen and people in the playroom. It was full and fun!

After we ate, we all gathered in the playroom for a few games. Because this was a dinosaur-themed party, we had a dino dig. Ideally, this would have been done outside in the sand, digging for fossils. But, it's winter, it's cold and snowy and going outside was not an option. I filled Easter eggs with miniature dinosaurs that I found at a party store and put them in an inflatable baby pool and covered them with balls from the ball pit we have. The kids thought it was a blast to jump in and dig for eggs, then announce what dinosaurs they found.

While the kids were patiently waiting for their turn, we had an art corner (that the kids had been at the whole time at the party) where they could color their own T-Rex cut out. The girls especially liked this activity.

Lastly, we had a pinata. We never found a dinosaur pinata, but Logan had his heart set on getting one, so he picked out a Spider Man pinata. He really wanted this Spider Man pinata, claiming that Spider Man is cool because he goes to the bank to wrestle with bad guys. I gasped at the $20 cost of a dumb pinata to which Logan repeated back to Bill later that day, "Dad, we got a Spider Man pinata! It's $20!"

Filled with miniature candy bars, the kids took turns pulling the strings on the pinata to open the trap door (which is much better than handing a bat to a bunch of riled-up 4 year olds). Logan got to go first and it took about 3 or 5 kids to finally get it pulled open with candy falling on top of their heads. They loved it.

After the short sugar rush, we all went into the kitchen where we sang happy birthday to Logan. It was a moving moment for me to hear because there were so many people. I felt so fortunate to have so many friends celebrate Logan's birthday with us. All of these friends have been a part of our lives for years since we've moved to our town, seeing them many times a week - at playgroups, preschool, and around town at activities.

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Even though we weren't planning on it, Logan opened his presents at the party. I think we all think that's the most boring part about a kids' party - but I couldn't be the party Nazi and tell him "No, you can't open your presents." Lame-o mom, I would be. He opened presents that were super cool dinosaur books, awesome cars, and everything a 4 year old boy would love. Afterward, Logan and Carter played with them all together. So cute!

All of the kids left with gift "buckets" - small sandbox pails with shovels (for digging for dinosaurs), a growing dinosaur that increases in size when soaking in water, and a wooden dinosaur puzzle or maze that they can color and it will last longer than other cheap gift bag items. And tons of candy from the pinata too.

The party was a smashing success and not nearly as crazy as I thought it would be. I told Bill that I hope it's a birthday that Logan remembers, not because I was up cleaning the house until 1am the night before, or spending so much time putting it all together - but I hoped he remembered it because it was fun. It was happy. It was awesome.

Where our life was different for a month and could have been different forever

2010-01-22T13:25:00.004-07:00

These weeks in January had us living our lives differently more than any other time before. Bill's official title at work is "Business Development Executive" and this title comes with business trips. In the last year he would go to places in the US - New York, California, sometimes somewhere up in Canada and I think Mexico once. These trips are typically short, a few days, never more than five and they are sporadic, having him away every few months or so.

January, however, left us separated for almost the entire month. This was by far the longest he had ever been away and the farthest he's ever traveled. He handles their International accounts, so after a week in Vegas, he was off to London, Oslo, Frankfurt, Hoegaarden and Brussels.

Being used to business trips, I knew I'd be able to handle things on my own here at home. With our busy schedule, we'd continue our days of preschool, playgroups, activities and training at the gym. I have an amazing group of friends and network here, so I really wouldn't be on my own all the time.

Logan, being older, understood more than ever what a business trip was and handled it very well. He was interested in all of the places around the world and was curious about the countries his Dad was visiting. So, we bought a large wall map and every day that Bill was in a new country, we put a tack on the map. He actually started to name the cities Bill was in. While Logan talked about missing his Dad and wished for him to be home, understanding where he was made the month so easy and exciting for him.

Not only did Logan have a chance to learn a bit about geography to help him during this time away, but we skyped with Bill as often as we could when we found a moment in the afternoon (which was late at night on his side of the world). The boys both thought this was hysterical, Logan dancing around and Carter waving excitedly. It was cute.

After three days of Bill being away, it started to get old. The kids were great, no massive tantrums or acting out because of the change. They were as perfect as they could be. And Logan? He had some kind of attitude adjustment, being considerate, listening to directions and mostly agreeable, more than he's ever been in his life. It was awesome. But still, it wasn't the same with Bill gone.

And then halfway through the month, the kids got sick and we had to stay at home for days. Logan missed a day of school, Carter missed playgroup, we missed a birthday party, training at the gym and all of the activities we had planned. The total isolation along with the unrelenting effort of being on my own caused me to breakdown in tears all day last Saturday. Carter was missing his Dad as well, clearly upset as he walked around the house pointing to all of the family pictures we have on the walls and then pointing to the front door, wishing his Dad would come home. This broke my heart. It only made me cry more that day. We also had a quick moment to talk with Bill on skype on this day, which ended up being a terrible idea. I just sobbed, Carter cried and Bill talked to Logan about giving me more hugs when I was upset. It was a mess.

The next day my lovely, lifesaving friends came to my rescue. We had a play date in the morning where the boys had a great time playing, Logan chatting up a storm since he had been stuck inside too and a chance to get some adult conversation for me as well. Another friend offered to watch the boys for a few hours later that afternoon while I got a break and had some time to myself. I walked around the mall with a coffee in hand and a moment to breath. This recharged my batteries, leaving me feeling like a brand new person the next day and able to keep on single parenting for another week without feeling so dragged down.

Near the end of Bill's trip he let me know that there was a possibility (a very real chance) that we might be relocated...to Cork, Ireland. His company is beginning to move Internationally and will build and office there this year as well as in China. I thought about moving the kids to a new country halfway around the world, away from all of our friends, our support system, my work as a food writer and everything that we have built in the years we've lived in our town. We have it made here and life is wonderful. It made my stomach drop to think about leaving it all, but on the flip side, it would be a great adventure and we'd be away from the in-laws (which would be the BEST OUTCOME EVER).

After almost 20 days away, Bill came home late Wednesday night. In the 10 plus years we've been married, I'd never been so excited to see him. It was similar to the feelings we had while dating. I missed him so much and our family just didn't feel right being split like we were for so long. The boys were in bed when he got home and the hugs and kisses after he walked through the door were surreal. Tired from being up for 24 hours due to meetings and traveling back to the US, still, one of the first things he talked about was our potential move to Ireland.

After much though on his travels away, he withdrew his name from the opportunity. It was shocking to me considering the fact that I had been mentally preparing myself for this big change, a huge upheaval for our family, when it sounded like it was almost certain. The next morning at work, they had meetings about the next steps to take Internationally and made the decision on who would move to Ireland since it wasn't us.

Our lives were very different for many weeks this month, giving us a chance to think about many things (and believe me, there will be a lengthy post about our marriage). Our family was this close to being turned upside down and all around. An interesting January, for sure. The rest of the remaining weeks we get back to normal, but now it's the beginning of a new normal. A better normal.

What's up, Buttercup?

2010-01-17T19:54:00.003-07:00

Ooooo, boy! Do I have a lot to write about. There are quite a few newsworthy posts lined up, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to write about them yet. Sad, isn't it!? After weeks (months) of being too busy to really write on here or lacking the motivation to come up with something readable, now I have BIG NEWS and have to keep my mouth shut. Next week, my friends, next week.

Starting 2010 with the Plague

2010-01-12T15:28:00.003-07:00

I had all of these fantastic plans for New Year's Eve, New Year's Day; goals to work on in January and even try to get back to my regular posting schedule here. And you know what happened? Since the night of December 29th, I've been fighting a slow death from every germ possible. The flu, a sinus infection, pink-eye (which the boys had too), an upper-respiratory infection, an ear infection, exacerbation of my asthma and a sore throat with lymph-nodes bigger than Texas. For days I lost my sense of smell and taste. Basically, it feels like I had the Plague.

The worst of it happened around the end of December. I missed a New Year's Eve party that I had been looking forward to. I stayed home and attempted recovery before Bill left on a business trip. I slowly got better, taking two steps forward only to take two steps back the next day. It's been relentless. When Bill was in Vegas for a convention, I held down the fort and pretended that I was healthy. It's like trying to type with a few fingers missing. Sure, you can do it, but it's definitely "off".

I keep thinking I'm in the clear and that the next day is going to be better. I am SO BEHIND in my work, unable to eat at restaurants for reviews, too sick to get advertising contracts renewed, and so forth. It's been rough being a work-at-home mom being the only person who takes care of business and kids while sick. There is nobody to call to take over. Nobody to cover a shift, no sub to come and take care of the kids. Just keep on keepin' on. Which is why I'm probably still a little sick.

So, the end of year review that I write on the 30th of December or the 1st of January? Yeah, that's getting published mid-month. I just hope I get caught up before Logan's birthday at the end of the month!

I do it because...

2009-12-30T19:23:00.001-07:00

We had yet another counseling session with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju. From the last session, we decided to agree on weekly phone calls with Logan and 2 one hour meetings at a public place (the mall play area) where they could see the kids. We followed through on the agreements until Grandma L made the guilt trip comment to Logan and I couldn't handle the stress of weekly calls any more. Bill stopped the calls altogether until we could talk about it in this session.

Bill and I met in the parking lot and waited together in my car because we were a bit early. I had been having not only a rough day because of all of this, but a rough week or so because of Bill. Since his return from New York, I had been sick to my stomach from stress and anxiety almost 24/7. So, adding this little hour of happiness was just the cherry on top of a big crap sundae. I was not excited to be there and I told Bill that I wanted to wait in the car for as long as we could, because I couldn't handle waiting in the small waiting room again while they happily chatted about dumb stuff while I was angry with how things have been going down.

Of course, I was ignored. And why nobody has yet to figure out that I'm not one to be ignored, that if you don't take what I have to say with consideration, I will get louder and louder until I am heard. So, there were words before going in. And that just made the situation even worse because I was pissed beyond pissed. I was livid.

We walk in and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju say hi as if nothing is wrong. I tell them that I'm angry and would rather not pretend with niceties at this point. I was angry with the guilt trip in the last phone call and we would talk about it in the session. Then Aunt Ju-Ju opens her big mouth and we have words - many of them. Her manipulative, bitchy, button-pushing self showed through, saying that the apologies they gave last session were insincere, that she was sorry her brother is married to me and on, and on, and on. I wanted to leave. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to call her every horrible name that I think she is. But I stayed. I stayed because...

We go into the session and right away Aunt Ju-Ju starts off with her bitchy attitude, stirring the pot. I turned and said that she was not helpful in anyway and that she has been nothing but a catalyst towards destruction in this whole situation. The counselor then asked both Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L to leave while she talked to just Bill and I. Clearly, we were not on the same page, we haven't been for some time and this whole in-law insanity is just a driving wedge. Again.

She tried to get us back on track, talking to Bill about listening to me when I have concerns and about me letting Bill scale the severity of the situation, because the in-laws cause me such anxiety and stress that I'm hypervigilant. Then, because of how I feel around them, she thought it would be best if I went out in the waiting room when they came back in. She would express to Aunt Ju-Ju how important it is that she not divide the situation and to Grandma L that anything that sounds like guilt is not OK right now.

After the three of them had their time, and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju left, Bill and I sat in again to go over what had transpired. All day I had been feeling bottled up and needed an emotional release - I needed a deep cry. I was at my breaking point and just heaved heavy, soul wrenching sobs. Every cell in my body unleashed the sadness.

After a while, we wrapped up. The counselor really tried to get Bill to understand that I do this because I love him, that I keep trying the best I can in this situation because of love.

And I'm on my way to work on post-traumatic stress disorder in the New Year.

My sweet baby

2009-12-29T10:18:00.002-07:00

Carter is such a sweet little guy. He is more of a cuddle kid, even though he is busy running around at times. As busy as he gets, playing with dinosaurs and cars with Logan or sitting at the book shelf reading his board books, he still takes the time - many times a day - to come over and give hugs. He wraps his little arms around our legs and gives us the most precious baby hugs. I love it!

When I get him in his car seat, he immediately reaches for his blanket that I keep in the car (both kids have blankets during the winter). He holds it up, says "et" or "ish" for blanket, smiles and then cuddles with it by his face and says "awww". IT IS SO CUTE! I can hardly stand it.

Oh, what a sweet, sweet baby he is!

The best month of December and Christmas EVER

2009-12-24T20:44:00.013-07:00

So there's been a lot of celebrating over here with the biggest holiday season upon us. First, there was Bill's company Christmas Party. Unlike other people who may dread these parties, we absolutely love and look forward to the company party every year. Bill works with a great group of people and it makes the night even more fun. We've been to three Christmas parties for the company and every year it gets bigger and better. The food is delicious, the open bar is fantastic (and I would never want to see that bill!) and there are always tears of gratitude from many people during speeches and award ceremonies.

The boys were at home with a sitter and Bill's boss/co-worker's two kids. They had a pizza pajama party and enjoyed every minute. While we ate, drank and mingled, they jumped off couches and ran around the house screaming to their delight. We got a ride home from the limo/party bus service the Company provided so everyone could get home safely.

Then there was Logan's preschool Christmas program. As I mentioned, he was the kid in the class who didn't want to sing. Granted, he wasn't the biggest Grinch in the class, one of his other classmates had his arms crossed with a very angry scowl on his face. But, nevertheless, Logan looked like he was too cool for school. He must get it from his Father. During the "Jingle Bells" song, Logan's friend turns to him and tells him to sing. To which Logan Logan shakes his head and adamantly says "NO". It's hilarious.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

After that, we had our Annual MOMS Club Holiday Potluck. It started out as a rough night. Bill had been out of town for the week on business and just as I was unloading the groceries from the car, the LDS missionaries came up the driveway and tried convincing me to come back to church for 15 minutes (again). Not wanting to be a jerk to them, I nicely told them why I wasn't only to get blank stares of disbelief and empty apologies. This whole event caused me to be late in getting dinner ready, which caused me to be late to the party. I was the only one who had the keys to get in. So getting there, by myself with the kids, was a complete nightmare. But, once we did, it was the best party our chapter has had yet. We had a White Elephant Exchange, a large potluck and lots of laughs and conversation. There were 25 families, about 100 people including kids and husbands and a lot of fun.

That night Bill came home from his business trip to New York. He came back with a ton of pictures to share (from the new camera we bought because I need one here at home for restaurant reviews while he's gone), presents for the boys and a Christmas present for me. A huge diamond necklace that made my jaw drop. I've wanted a necklace for a while and it just wasn't possible in the past. Bill has been doing very well at work this year so we've been by the jewelry store a few times to look. While in New York, he did some negotiating in the Diamond District and came home with a necklace that I never expected to have. I LOVE IT! And I'm thankful he couldn't wait to give it to me so I could start wearing it early.

Next, we took the kids to see Santa downtown (there are two in town - one in the mall and one downtown. The downtown Santa is more authentic and better). Logan was so excited, Carter, not so much. While we waited for our turn, Logan kept dancing around, poking his head through the curtain (it's in a cute wooden cabin) and asking when we would be able to sit on Santa's lap. Finally it was our turn, and this guy was a pro. He knew right away that Carter wasn't going for it, just by the look on his face. He had instructions for me - how to sit with Carter and where while Logan sat on the other side listing his Christmas wants - dinosaurs, race cars, flutes and guitars. It was a well organized process (almost too organized, but I guess you have to be when dealing with thousands of kids every day) and we got the excited squeals of an almost 4 year old in return.

A few days later I got an email from Bill saying that we should go look for a new car that night. We have been a one-car-family for years, even before kids. It's worked for us and our trusty Outback has been a great car with minimal problems. With Bill traveling and our family growing, it has been more of a necessity to have a second car. We had been discussing buying another in the spring. But, we only had a few payments left on our old car and were ready to get another now.

We went and test drove a Nissan that we didn't like and decided that we are a Subaru family through and through. We drove straight to another dealership, found a car that we love and bought it the next day. I LOVE IT! It snowed quite a bit the day after we got the new Subaru and it did great - smooth, easy to control, no sliding and very warm (seat warmers!). Bill is now driving the old Outback and the kids and I get to take the new one. So, I guess I got a new car for Christmas too!

Then - Christmas Eve. Wow. First we woke up and hung out for a while, drinking coffee and making Christmas Tree Cookies. After Carter woke up from his nap, we all went sledding. This was the first time Logan had ever been and he was thrilled - and fearless. Both he and Bill went down the hill many times with Logan having the biggest smile on his face. He would tuck himself into a little ball every time he would go down, increasing his speed and flying off the small ramp that someone had build on the hill. Carter was not a fan of being out in the cold, despite being bundled up in a snow suit. He was too small to go down the fast hill, so I would pull him around the flat parts of the park, with him crying most of the time. I eventually got him back in the car, warm and listening to Christmas music while Logan and Bill went dare devil sledding.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We came back to eat dinner - a beef tenderloin that was good (but a bit too rare for our liking). It was hard to get the kids to eat because they were so excited to open presents. After much prodding, we finally gave in and let them go at it. There was wrapping paper everywhere as Logan searched under the tree for presents with his name on them. Carter mostly wanted to play with bows and the presents that Logan opened. They had an absolute blast this year and we all made out like bandits.

Christmas morning has been spent lounging around in our pajamas, eating sausage-hash brown casserole, watching Christmas movies and playing with toys. It's been a great year and the best Christmas EVER!

He doesn't really care

2009-12-17T23:34:00.002-07:00

When we first enrolled Logan in preschool, I was curious as to what the future might hold when it came to religious discussions with a three year old. Being agnostic and Logan going to a Christian preschool, I wondered what questions he might have about prayer and Jesus and how I might go about explaining that on his level of understanding.

I know that everyday they sing "prayers" in class (they are merely happy songs and not traditional prayers) and I've asked him to sing them for me. Which he won't. I've asked him to repeat some of the things from school. He doesn't. I've never asked him for his thoughts on Jesus, Church or prayer, waiting to see if he is even interested in the topic.

Today he had his preschool Christmas program and they've been learning about the "real" meaning of Christmas all week in preparation for the program. They sang about the Christmas star and Baby Jesus. Logan didn't sing at all (which is for a different post with video where you can watch his stone-faced glare at me). After the program, as always, I asked him what he learned. Again, he's never talked about anything affiliated with religion.

Despite him being softly introduced to the concept of religious beliefs, I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't care. I don't see him asking who Jesus is or asking to say a prayer at the table any time soon.

Christmas traditions

2009-12-16T21:36:00.005-07:00

Ever since starting our family, it has been exceedingly imperative to me that we create our own holiday traditions. Maybe this stems from my childhood and remembering my mom working almost every holiday, shortening the celebration to only a few moments. It's possible that I feel this way because the very few happy memories that I have from that time in my life are of special holiday moments, like the insane amounts of holiday baking she would do from scratch for presents - cookies, colored popcorn balls, fudge and bars - all of them excessively delicious. I'm almost certain that creating our own traditions is to help me feel that our family is normal in an extraordinarily abnormal reality.

We haven't started many traditions yet since the boys are still very young and each year we add more to our list. This year we will probably go look at Christmas lights, maybe a horse-drawn carriage ride downtown on Christmas Eve, depending on how cold it is. We have always donned them in Christmas pajamas to go to bed in on Christmas Eve and we bake cookies. There is one kind in particular that I can say is our family's traditional holiday cookie - White Chocolate Pistachio Butter Cookies. It's a recipe that I've created myself, but is not totally genius - it just makes sense.

After a particularly rough night, kids screaming and fighting, my patience thin and Bill on a business trip, I needed to make cookies for Logan's preschool program. I got Carter to bed and had Logan help me out with the project. His disagreeable disposition changed drastically as I was getting the kitchen ready for baking. He was so excited, pulling up his wooden step stool, helping me flour the counter and cutting out pine tree-shaped cookies, just like he does with his Play-Doh. He snuck bites of crushed pistachios and smiled as I painted each cookie to dip in the nuts, telling me to be careful every time I burnt my fingers with melted white chocolate. Covered in flour from chin, arms and chest, he grabbed me around my waist. "Mom, guess what?" he asked. "What?" I replied. "I love you" he said from the bottom of his almost 4 year old heart.

White Chocolate Pistachio Butter Cookies, also known as "Christmas Trees"

2 sticks of unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 tea spoon salt
1 large egg yolk
1 large egg
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1 bag white chocolate chips
1 bag shelled pistachios

Have all ingredients at room temperature (68-70 degrees). In a large bowl, beat the butter, sugar and salt on medium speed until very fluffy and well-blended. Add the egg yolk and beat until well blended. Add the egg and vanilla and beat until well combined. Reduce the speed and slowly add the flour just until combined.

Dived the dough in half and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate until firm, at least 1 hour.

Pre-heat oven to 375. Place the shelled pistachios in a sandwich bag and crush to desired consistency (I like mine moderately crushed, not too fine, but not too whole). Empty crushed nuts onto a plate.

Take one disc of dough and roll out on a floured counter top. Cut the dough into tree shapes and place on a greased cookie sheet. Bake for 6 to 8 minutes or until edges are barely golden brown. Using a thin-bladed spatula, transfer the cookies to a baking rack to cool.

On the stove top, melt the white chocolate (my preferred method is a double boiler). Stir chocolate until it is smooth and shiny. Remove from stove top.

With a silicone basting brush, paint one cookie with the melted white chocolate and then dip onto the plate of pistachios, covering the chocolate almost completely. Repeat with each cookie. Transfer to an air-tight container.

Yields 2 dozen cookies

Our life in pictures

2009-12-08T14:46:00.002-07:00

Some almost 4 year old has sticky fingers from sneaking pumpkin pie.

Playing at a friends house during Thanksgiving break.

Sunday morning cuddle time in our bed watching cartoons.

Carter now wants to walk around with binki's and blankets all of the time, sneaking them out of his room (the only place he can have pacifiers). And it's pretty cute.

Carter is now forward-facing with Logan! He loves it.

I will have lots of time to catch up next week and pretty much the whole month of January - I might even get back to posting daily (don't hold your breath).

Sudden optimism

2009-12-02T08:27:00.006-07:00

It had been a rough start to the day - whining, crying, fussing, fighting - enough to make me want to just cancel all of our plans and hibernate while the freshly fallen snow covered the city in a white, icy blanket. We got home and I made the boys breakfast, slicing banana and blueberry bagel for Carter, a Nutrigrain bar, banana and Carnation Instant Breakfast (or as he likes to call it, "Chocolate Milk") for Logan. They were quiet and content for the moment, the irritations from the morning subsided.

I sat in the living room and opened the laptop to read emails, facebook and check stats while the kids were happily inhaling their food behind me. After wishing friends 'Happy Birthday', finding out that playgroup had been canceled and receiving an email of thanks for a review I wrote for a restaurant, a sudden feeling of optimism came over me. This next year is going to be amazing. My 30's are going to be the best years of my life, I thought to myself.

I have no idea why I thought this, especially since the morning had been nothing short of hell. But I did, and I felt strongly about it. Maybe it's because everything seems to be coming together - financial stability, parenting confidence, a sense of purpose outside of motherhood, a stronger and happier family that we've grown to be (and continue to work on). Maybe it's because we've reached a level of adulthood where we are more capable and still able to have a lot of fun. Maybe it's because we've been able to help others more than we ever have before. Maybe at this moment I've found the balance in life that I've been striving for.

Before this morning I used to dread turning 30 - feeling old, noticing gray hair and more stressed than a person should be at my age. Now, I'm looking forward to it. With all of the years of anxiety, stress and deep sadness for things that have happened, I'm being optimistic that this next year will be the best I've ever had.

Yes, I am that kind of person

2009-11-30T21:11:00.004-07:00

Thanksgiving is over and now we move on to Christmas. I was excited beyond reason to get our tree this year. I was really looking forward to decorating the tree because this year I convinced Bill to let me decorate with a new tree theme.

What? Tree theme? Yes, you read that right. Tree theme. I am that kind of person. A tree theme person.

I've always been this way since we got married and decorated our own tree. I've been fascinated with the beautiful details and the design process. It's a creative outlet for me. Apparently, I'm darn good at it too (or so Bill says). For the last four years, we've had a rustic Colorado themed tree with wooden bears, moose, bird houses, and everything woodland-creature related. It was cute and I liked it a lot. But, it was getting tired. It was time to switch themes. I asked Logan what he thought we should do - flowers (poinsettias) or snowflakes. He chose snowflakes.

The boys helping me get the lights up, meaning, stomping on the lights and breaking glass all over the floor.

I bought all new ornaments - silver balls, silver glittered balls, ice cycles and snowflakes. We even have a snowflake as the star on top of the tree. I wasn't so sure about it when I was buying the ornaments, but now that it's finished - it turned out better than I imagined. It's beautiful.

So, now we have a winter wonderland snowflake tree that glows in the front room right in center of the window facing the street. It's picturesque.

Someday I will do the hall of trees - volunteering to decorate a display. Someday, when I'm not doing everything else!

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

2009-11-26T10:01:00.003-07:00

This year has been particularly good to us. Thinking back on the last four years (or more), this year has been the least stressful, the most fun and the most successful. It's been nice to catch a break, to be able to breath and actually enjoy life for a while.

I am so thankful that Bill has a stable job. In this economy where some are without employment, others wonder how they are going to pay the bills, we are fortunate beyond measure to have his company in our lives. He loves going to work everyday and unlike other jobs, never goes to bed dreading the next day. While he may travel more than we'd like, it's an easy sacrifice to make.

I am thankful for my family - the sane members. I'm happy beyond the moon to be able to create wonderful memories with my kids, going on special family outings or even doing relaxing puzzles at home.

I am thankful for my fabulous friends. Without them, my life wouldn't even be as fun as it is. I laugh heartily, to the point of tears. They listen to my complaints and offer a shoulder to cry on. They make me smile. A lot.

I am thankful for our health, because without it, we have nothing. I am thankful for the home we live in and that we will be able to continue to live here for as long as we want.

I am thankful for the personal growth I've made in the last year, the lessons I've learned and the changes I've made. I'm thankful to evolve and not stay stagnant in a stage of life.

I am especially thankful for writing. It has changed my life. While I may not write here daily like I used to, I'm still writing every day (somewhere). This blog has changed my life for the better, has helped our family and has assisted the troubles in our home. I cannot imagine my life without writing.

There are so many things I am thankful for - the list could go on forever. But, I am so very thankful for all that we have.

The in(sane)-laws

2009-11-16T12:48:00.002-07:00

This is not working out. I want it to stop. Now. I hate it. I hate Sundays. This arrangement is worse than the ones we've had before.

Ever since we agreed to the weekly Sunday phone call between Logan and the grandparents, Sundays have become full of tension, anxiety, stress and it's resurfacing my pent up rage towards them. Bill and I have been getting along pretty well lately, but I feel like every Sunday slowly drags us back down. All of the problem feelings surface, like resentment, anger and hurt and they bottleneck in my chest as Bill shrugs it off trying to pacify me. Why did I think it was going to be any different?? Why am I continually driving myself insane thinking that situations are going to change?

Each Sunday is just another reason to argue. You'd think Bill would put two and two together and make the best decision for our family, especially since last Sunday he didn't make the call for Logan. He was supposed to be out of town and plans changed. He stayed home, but the in-laws still thought he was on business. No phone call to them, no stress in our house. Simple equation, right? He's too busy making his mom happy instead of helping the happiness in our house. Again.

I finally got Bill to agree to have the phone call on the speaker so I could hear what was being said, especially since I thought I heard an unsettling remark in the first call. Three or four weeks later, it finally happened. And just as I thought, "clueless" Grandma L is making inappropriate comments. First, Logan is talking about going over to their house to play hide and go seek. "Wouldn't it be fun if you could stay here the whole time?" she says to Logan. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? She just asked my three year old son if it would be fun if he could spend the whole time there. We're having issues with her understanding the role of a grandparent and this just digs her grave even deeper.

Then, Logan gets tired of talking on the phone after only a few short minutes. "I want you to talk to Daddy, " he tells her. "But I want to talk to you," she replies. "Why do you want to talk to me? Why don't you want to talk to Daddy or Carter?" There's an uneasy silence as she thinks about her answer. "Because I love talking to you" she responds. "Well, I want you to talk to Daddy", he says again. "That makes Grandma sad," she tells him.

I glare at Bill and it takes EVERY. OUNCE. OF. SELF. CONTROL to just sit there and say nothing as she tries to emotionally manipulate my son with a guilt trip because he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. Bill just sits there and shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal.

I couldn't sleep last night because the hatred for her began growing inside me like a toxic cancer. This was the very reason I thought the cut-off was the best choice for our family. Now with the phone calls, that cancer grows bigger every week, infecting our family more intensely. It's too much. And now with this stunt that she just pulled, I am without a doubt going to contact her to let her know that I don't appreciate her guilt tripping my kids. Bill won't do it. He'll just shrug it off again. The mama bear is wide awake now and Grandma L better watch out. These claws are sharp.

I won't answer

2009-11-13T13:42:00.001-07:00

Not too long ago I got a new cell phone. It's a spiffy phone that has a full QWERTY keyboard and is easily linked to both of my email addresses. Texting is simple, checking my email is a piece of cake. Really, I'm hyper-connected.

However, if anyone calls me - I usually won't answer. And if I don't recognize the number, I'm definitely not answering. AND? If you don't leave a message, I won't call you back. It's been this way forever. I don't know why I don't like to talk on the phone because when I was a kid, I used to have conversations for hours. Now? Not so much. I'd rather just email or text back.

Maybe it's because I'm traumatized from our poor years when bill collectors were constantly calling. Maybe it's because when I try to have a conversation with a friend, I'm always stopping mid-sentence to yell "STOP PUTTING THAT IN YOUR NOSE! Don't climb up there! Stop fighting! " Maybe it's because I have so much to do that I just have time to talk and can just as easily stay in touch via email. Or Facebook - that's even better.

Whatever the case, I usually won't answer. But, at least I'll call you back! Usually...

Literary abandon or abandoned literature?

2009-11-08T13:38:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago I brought up the idea of participating in this years NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). A few of the other writers thought it would be fun and three of us decided to take the plunge. So, we have 30 days to write a 50,000 word, 175 page fiction novel. One of the writers averaged it out to 1,700 words a day. Do you want to know how many I've typed up so far?

ZERO.

I totally bit off more than I can chew.

I have a story line for a horror fiction novel. Funny, because I don't read fiction and I certainly don't read horror. I don't even watch horror films because I get nightmares easily. But, for some reason, I think I can write horror. Actually, I've wanted to write a memoir of my childhood, but I can't remember a whole lot (the brain does funny things, I suppose). I had a journal of everything and when Bill and I were engaged, we burned the journal in a barbecue pit at a park. It was a way to close that chapter on my life and not have anything to remind me of the horrors.

I think I can take the details that I do remember and then add some more craziness with a serial killer living in a family house and turn it into a work of fiction. I suppose all I have to do now is find the time to write it all up. Bill was going to be on a business trip all week this week and I was going to use that alone time at night to write and catch up. The trip got canceled, so now I think I'm just going to have to neglect my family this week to get it done.

How are all of these writers with jobs (or I should say, multiple jobs) doing it all? How can I fit preschool, playgroups, food writing assignments, meetings and everything in between? I'm not one to admit that I have too much on my plate - but seriously, I'm full. However, I'm not giving up. I'll get there, even if I have to lock myself in the office for a while.

Halloween bust

2009-11-02T14:35:00.003-07:00

This year Halloween was a bust. Well, not totally, but it was cold and snowy. Many of our plans were canceled because we got a record-breaking snowfall that shut down the city for a couple of days.

We were able to go to the pumpkin patch for Logan's school field trip and pick out some pumpkins together. We got to go trick-or-treating at The Farm the day before it got really cold, which was great. Logan got to knock on doors and Carter got to come along, all the while we didn't freeze our fingers off. On one of the snow-in days, we were still able to make it out to a Halloween party with Logan's friends who are also classmates. We all had a great time there too.

We missed out on Logan's preschool fall festival where they were going to dress up in their costumes and play games. I was going to do face painting for the class (I have no face painting skills, so that would have been interesting). On Halloween, it was still cold and even though the snow melted, it was too cold for Carter to go. Bill and Logan went out in the neighborhood and Carter and I stayed home to hand out candy.

It wasn't a horrible holiday, but it could have been so much more fun without the snow. Yuck. I hate winter.

The best part of the season this year was Logan's interest in being scary, spooky and having the creepiest costume an almost 4 year old could have. He really got into it. At first he wanted to be a Sleestak from the Land Of The Lost. We found a swamp monster costume at Target that would have been perfect. But, when we went to get it, he changed his mind and wanted to get the Grim Reaper costume with glowing red eyes. Whatever works!

So, here is this little kid in a creepy costume walking around with glowing eyes. When we were at The Farm, it was designed to be a "not so scary" event. I later heard that the kids weren't supposed to wear scary costumes. Oops! While the other kids were dressed up like pirates, princesses and super heroes, Carter was a super cute and cuddly frog, here comes Logan dressed as Death. Awesome.

Logan is getting more brave as the months go by. Not only did he want to dress in a scary costume, but having a mean mom moment, I wondered if he would be traumatized watching a scary video clip online. You know those pop out and scream monster videos that go around? Well, there was a Ghost of Michael Jackson one and I let him watch that (with the volume turned down). He thought it was funny and wanted to watch it three more times. I got this on camera too. Hilarious!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I'm being stalked

2009-10-30T08:38:00.000-06:00

I'm being stalked by the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or, more commonly known as Mormons. Now, if you don't know the details of my life in the church, you can click right there on the side bar on the label "religion". I think it was even the first post about religion that I wrote. The story in a nutshell - I was Mormon and Bill was not. I was told to choose The Church or choose Bill because I couldn't have both (because we couldn't get married in the temple). I left The Church and since then have become very anti-organized religion, ultimately resulting in my agnostic beliefs.

Since leaving The Church, I've been tracked and followed all over the country. I left The Church when we lived in Vegas and never contacted them from that point on. We moved to Portland, Denver and two different houses in the town we live in now. In each place, I've had members of The Church (Home Teachers, Visiting Teachers, Missionaries) come by to get me to come back. It's partly my fault because I haven't had my name removed from the records, so technically I'm considered "inactive" in their eyes. It's been about 12 years since I left and just last week I got a letter from a clerk in the Ward I "should" belong to.

This letter tells me what time services are being held in the ward and it came with my Individual Ordinance Summary attached - basically all of my personal information relating to the church (my maiden name, date of birth, place of birth, baptism date, confirmation date, my parents names and birth dates, Bill's name, and various addresses I've lived at). The kicker was the quote inserted from the current Prophet, Thomas S. Monson from the April 2008 Conference:

"Change for the better can come to all. Over the years we have issued appeals to the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor - to come back. Come back and feast at the table of the Lord, and taste again the sweet and satisfying fruits of fellowship with the Saints.

In the private sanctuary of one's own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential. In this spirit, we again issue that heartfelt invitation: Come back. We reach out to you in the pure love of Christ and express our desire to assist you and to welcome you into full fellowship.

To those who are wounded in the spirit or who are struggling and fearful, we say, Let us lift you and cheer you and calm your fears. Take literally the Lord's invitation, 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'"

I put the letter down on the kitchen counter and sighed. Really? This can't be serious. Were they calling my bluff 12 years later? First I was told to make a choice - I did and now they are pretty much saying "oh, never mind - come back. It doesn't matter what choice you made (we'll help you change that choice)". Clearly they know Bill is not a member and that unless he converts (which he will not do), we will never reach The Church's ultimate goal - being together forever in the Celestial Kingdom.

What a bunch of bull shit.

Honestly, I think their membership numbers are dropping. I made a facebook status update half joking about being stalked, when really, it's pretty true. I've been followed for over 12 years without me giving them any information. Kind of scary, really. And I will never go back. My life is honestly so much better without being under the control of The Church.

I can say what I want to say, wear what I want to wear, eat and drink what I want to drink, watch the movies I want to watch, pretty much do everything I enjoy without having to repent because I drank coffee at breakfast or had a beer at dinner. I can be the independent free-thinker that I am and not have to be subservient to the leadership of the Priesthood. I can teach my children to be critical thinkers and not just to accept what they are told. I can accept my friends (or family) as who they are, different religion or different lifestyle. I don't have to constantly proselytize trying to convert non-members that I come across. I won't have to tithe 10% of my income (which is extortion, really - pay your tithing or you will not have your temple recommend and you will not achieve salvation).

Not only do I have free-will, I have freedom.

And that's just the surface. I've studied the scriptures for years. I've read them all - Bible (both new and old testament), Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Convents. I've read hundreds of other Church publications, been to camps, seminars, gave talks during Sacrament meetings and tried my best to be a missionary, spreading the word and trying to convert non-members. I know enough to know that this is not the "One and Only True Church".

I don't believe that other people will live out their Eternal Life in purgatory because they believed something different, or that their interpretation of God is not the same. I don't believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I don't believe that there is a Prophet, or that leaders in The Church are inspired by God. I don't believe that a person's salvation is dependent on the actions (or inaction) of others. I don't believe in hereditary religion.

I believe that organized religion, in general, is corrupt.

Really, I could go on with this forever without even getting into the technical theory of it all. But, I think it's time I get on it to remove my name from their records before I have to have this conversation, again, with The Church members.

Parent-Teacher Conference

2009-10-26T10:32:00.000-06:00

Last week Logan's preschool had their first parent-teacher conference. I was actually a little nervous. What was he doing while he was on his own? Was he being respectful and listening? Or was he dishing out the sassy attitude that he gives me when I pick him up from school?

I sat at the table with me on one side and Logan's three teachers sitting on the other. They smiled and handed me a pile of items - his bright green school shirt that I had ordered and a stack of papers that listed skills 3 1/2 year olds are learning and what they were doing in school. "Well, our first parent-teacher conference. Nothing like that to make you feel old!" I joked.

The teachers said that Logan was doing great and there was really nothing to talk about or be concerned with. They said he has a lot of friends in the class and got into the routine very easily. They laughed about how much he likes dinosaurs and race cars, telling me that he growls like a dinosaur on the playground, gets the other kids to play dinosaurs together and talks about them so much that some of his classmates are asking the teachers why he talks about them so much.

God, he's the weird kid, isn't he, I thought to myself. They assured me that he wasn't excessive or disruptive and that they were impressed with how much he knows about them. I laughed saying that I'd get him to expand on his interests and hopefully he'll have more to discuss on the slides.

I looked over his report card where skills were rated as R = Ready, P = Progressing and NY = Not Yet. He was doing quite well with most of his sheet filled with R's. He got a few P's on "carries on a conversation with an adult" (not a big surprise), "holds a book correctly" (which is a shocker since we read every night at bedtime), "situates self in space: in-out, over-under, front-back, etc" (which I figured because he's always been this way). At the bottom there was a space for notes where the teachers wrote that he especially enjoys building toys and outdoor play. Sounds like Logan to me!

The whole meeting lasted about 5 minutes with another 5 minutes of chatting, mostly about my restaurant review blog since one of the teachers is a big fan and reads often (I did not know this!)

It was a fun meeting and I'm so happy that Logan is doing well in school. I'm also still in shock that he's old enough to be in school and have parent-teacher conferences. Wow....

It never ends

2009-10-22T16:26:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I think that Bill and I are the hardest working people...when it comes to marriage. We certainly have not had the picture perfect relationship and have had our fair share of troubling times. It's the stereo-typical roller coaster of sorts - a lot of highs and a lot of lows, twists and turns, drops that make you feel like you're going to throw up, not to mention the arms in the air and screaming - sometimes for fun and sometimes not. It's always a wild ride in our life.

Despite thrills that rival the Colossus, we have never stopped the ride to get off. Maybe we're crazy, since I think many people would have given up long ago and really, love can only take you so far. Craziness however, that will make you do some insane things.

I think that we're still in it for the kids. Now, we're not staying for the kids, we're working hard for the kids. There is a gigantic difference. I think having a family has motivated us to make it work, and fortunately, it's motivated both of us (because if one won't do the work, we would fall apart quickly). We do the work, we have the uncomfortable conversations, we go to our marriage counseling sessions when we need to, we make the changes in ourselves that need to be made to make our house a happier home. Seriously, we are the hardest working people at marriage.

And it never ends.

Over the last few months, we were going through some twists and turns that would make anyone get off the ride and puke in the garbage can right next to the Cotton Candy stand. It had been about six months since our last marriage counseling session. We were able to get back on track right before our appointment, but we still went. Rather than being in a crisis mode, we were working on ways to become closer - which was a nice change. Our counselor, who regularly declares us as favorite clients, said that we are in a nice spot to be working on making things amazing rather than getting out of a hole.

Last night Bill had mentioned getting a boxing game for the Wii. "That way you can virtually punch me when you're mad rather than throwing things at my head from across the room, " he joked. "But, there's no reason for that now," he said. I shrugged my shoulders. "No, there's not. It's nice."

It's nice to be able to enjoy the view and maybe next time, I won't scream so loud at the intense G-force drop. After riding a few of those, they aren't as scary anymore. But, I've never been a fan of roller coasters anyway...

Carter's first hair cut

2009-10-19T12:54:00.003-06:00

We're finally all healthy again! Well, Logan and I never got sick. Carter's rebound was real - he only has a 24 hour virus. Bill took an entire week to recover. We wonder if he really did have H1N1. Who knows though, because they aren't testing adults here unless there are complications.

So, since we were germ-free - it was time for the boys to get their hair cut. We are getting our family portraits taken this week, and some of us needed a little cleaning up. This would be Carter's first hair cut!

I took Carter to the same kids' salon that Logan got his first hair cut at. Carter is just a tad older than when Logan got his first cut, but he didn't fare as well. The minute I put him in the race car, he cried. We switched chairs so that he could sit on my lap. He squirmed and climbed up me, despite trying to be comforted. The stylist did a great job of getting it done with him all over the place.

Afterward, Carter looked like a little boy and not a baby anymore. Sigh.....

Everyone's getting it now

2009-10-14T21:15:00.004-06:00

Remember when swine flu was this horrible disease from Mexico that was hyped up so much, claiming that people were dying left and right? Remember how schools closed down and there was talk about closing International borders? Remember when people were freaking out about getting a vaccination readily available? Yeah, I remember all of that too. Craziness.

Now, months later, I've known a handful of people who've had H1N1 (as it's now referred as rather than swine flu). Nobody has died. And while it's crappy to be sick with the flu, everyone recovered as quickly as they would with the seasonal flu. Last week Bill and I were talking about the propaganda that goes with new diseases - avian flu, SARS - remember when everyone in China were wearing surgical masks everywhere they went and now, years later, it's nothing but a "remember that" moment? H1N1 will be the same way.

At this very moment, we're getting the round of flu throughout the house. It started with both Bill and Carter. Bill woke up yesterday feeling like crap and said that he thought he was getting the flu. Carter woke up a total grump. He didn't have a fever, so I thought it was teething. After two doses of Tylenol and him still crying non-stop (from 7am to 11:30am), I figured something was wrong. After a few hours, he got a low-grade fever and only wanted to be held. Then he got that glazed look in his eyes that made me think he was going to blow chunks at any moment. But he never did. THANK GOD.

He was listless and lethargic for the day. Bill was getting worse too and needed me to pick him up early from work. All day today they've been recovering, but Carter was quick to spring back. He woke up fine, no fever, nothing. Just like his old self again (maybe still a little clingy). Which is good because his Doctor wanted him to come in to get treated with Tamiflu if we thought he had H1N1 (which is a scary medicine, let me tell you). Bill still has a fever and is shoving Kleenex up his nose to stop it from running. He's having a harder time recovering.

Both of them have the seasonal flu, but H1N1 is making it's way around town, around preschool, around daycare, around the gym, around MOMS Club, around every where we go.

Logan and I have been spared so far. I've been snapping at Logan to keep things out of his mouth, to keep his hands away from his face, to wash his hands - pretty much being a germaphobe. I've been sleeping with Logan since Bill still has a fever. I'm not going to do anything to increase my chances of catching crap - so I'll bunk with the 3 1/2 year old. I really do hope it ends with Bill and Carter.

Wishful thinking, I suppose.

Cured

2009-10-12T14:34:00.002-06:00

It's been about two months of our "at-home immersion therapy" to help Logan overcome his extreme fear of dogs. I'm able to say that he's officially cured of his phobia.

It's taken a lot of constant reassurance, hand holding, explaining, and encouraging him to face it (or rather the dogs) head on. It started with working with Therapy dogs at activities around town. Then we worked with him being comfortable around our friends dogs while they were gated and separated. Then we went to one of Bill's co-worker's birthday party where they have two small dogs. On the drive over there, we had a conversation in the car with Logan about the dogs and told him that he would be fine. "I'm scared of dogs, but if you hold my hand I won't be scared," he told us. We got to the party and he was a little wary, but slowly warmed up to them. Then another co-worker brought over his two Labradoodles and they ran around, and another co-worker brought her dachshund. There were five dogs with free reign of the yard there.

And Logan did fine.

After he warmed up, he got so comfortable that he wanted to be friends with a Min Pin, talking about how cute he was. I helped to remind him how he has to hold out his hand and get down low so the dog would come over to him and sniff his hand. The dog was more interested in barking Holy Terror at the neighbor dog through the fence. Eventually, I caught Logan running after the Min Pin growling at it like a dinosaur (which I quickly grabbed him and reminded him that WE DO NOT GROWL AT DOGS). The last thing I want is for him to get over his fear then get attacked by a face-biter because he thought it would want to play dinosaurs.

It's gotten to the point where Logan talks about us getting another dog. We're not even close to being ready for that yet. However, it's a huge relief to see that Logan is over his dog phobia and that he can comfortable enjoy the winter months at friends houses with our furry friends along side.

Mrs. Clean

2009-10-09T15:10:00.003-06:00

When I was pregnant with Carter, I put in an ad on Craigslist looking for someone to barter personal training for house cleaning. At the time it was a necessity. I physically could not clean our house being pregnant and sick with HG. I went through three different people before I found the one we have now. She's been coming to our house three times a week (once to clean and twice to train) for over a year now. Actually, a year and a half.

Last month she needed a surgical procedure that kept her recovering at home for an entire month. I was on my own with the house cleaning. At this point I had no physical excuses, I am completely capable of doing it, it's just finding the time. And without her here those three days a week, the house just wasn't the same. She's pretty much a part of the family now. We've gone out for lunches and will continue to do so. She came to our rescue and brought food and formula for the kids when I got really sick with the flu and Bill was at work. She came over to watch the boys when Bill and I went to the vet hospital to put Buddha down. Her husband (who I also train) is going to dress up like Santa for the kids this year. These two are like surrogate Grandparents for the kids, bringing them stickers when they visit.

This week she got the all clear to workout and clean again. While it's been nice to have a clean house that I didn't have to put the time and effort in, it's been even nicer that they are back in our home.

A narrow escape

2009-10-08T20:31:00.002-06:00

Over the last few weeks I've really begun to appreciate and pretty much take advantage of the good times while they last. Because they won't last for long.

When Bill and I first got married, we were on the fast track to success. Both of us had great jobs and we were getting paid pretty well. We were working our way up the ladder. Then it all came to a halt after 9/11. The domino effect that happened after that lasted for years. About four years to be exact. We pulled up our boot straps and tried the climb again. Just as we were getting to the top, the ladder got kicked out from under us and we were right back at the bottom, working our way up again. That was right around the time I got pregnant with Logan. We are now recovered from that kick and back on top again, four years later.

I've been telling Bill that while I don't want to sound pessimistic, I'm just waiting for the rug to get pulled from under us again. It always happens. I suppose if I expect everything to be taken away, I won't be too shocked if it happens. It almost happened a few weeks ago.

Some things went down at Bill's office and some people (one of Bill's closest co-workers) were fired. Things were unstable that day, it was unknown who else was going to get the axe and it seemed to be total chaos. I was just waiting to get the call about Bill finding himself unemployed and what we would need to do to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Again.

Fortunately, Bill's job is secure and there will not be any pulling up of boot straps.

But over the hours of that day, I really thought about how everything we have can be gone in an instant. How one day, we could lose a family member and the happiness that we know now can quickly become misery. The other shoe could drop at any moment, so enjoy it all while it lasts.

Moving on

2009-10-05T10:23:00.002-06:00

Friday was the day. The day we once again, met with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju with their counselor to figure out where to go from here. The time-out had lasted an entire year without any action on their part, except phone calls to Bill becoming far and few between and the words "I love you" were not said any longer.

Even after a restless night, I wasn't angry with Bill for lying to me about the ambush session. I still don't know why. I should have been. He lied to me again, I was tricked and it was for a sensitive situation. I had every right to be livid with him. Maybe it's because the gloves are off and I'm not taking any more crap from his family. Maybe it's because I have faith in myself that I'm not going to let them push me around anymore and will say what needs to be said because I just don't care at this point. Maybe it's because Bill hasn't tried to do any sneaky things in this year time-out and I've had the proof that he will have my back. Maybe it was because I needed the entire year to heal from the stress they caused. Whatever the case, this was a different situation.

Friday morning I dropped the kids off at the drop-in center so I could get my hair done. I hung out at the salon for a few hours. It was fun and relaxing. I wasn't even stressed about the upcoming appointment. It wasn't until on the drive over to the office that I started to have anxiety.

I picked up Bill from work and we drove to the session. He seemed indifferent about the whole thing, not worried if we got there on time or what happened. This might have made me feel better, knowing that if crap hit the fan, he wasn't going to try to push me into anything. We got there and just like the last session, sat in the waiting room while the three of them chit-chatted about stuff like nothing was wrong. This time I just flipped open my phone and surfed facebook.

We got in the session and the counselor took a completely different approach than the last session. Rather than hashing out the four plus years of events, she started with the ultimate goal (which for Bill is some kind of normalcy) and systematically wrote out what steps we need to take to get there. It was very structured, there was no room for misunderstanding. It was very black and white - exactly what I need in these tumultuous situations and exactly what Grandma L needs to get a clue.

At the beginning of the session I stated, just like last time, that I was there for Bill. Unless there was going to be different action from his family, I had no interest in participating and I was fine with the way things were. The counselor respected that and said that I could jump in at any time. The first thing she asked is what is the first and most important step that needs to be done before any baby-steps can be taken. Bill didn't quite get what she was going for and I knew exactly what she was asking. I quietly sat and observed.

She re-worded the question and got the ball rolling. Bill got it and said that an honest and sincere apology to me needs to be made. There were so many things that needed to be addressed, that they picked two instances and worked with those - the time she called herself "Mommy" to Logan during their visit last year and the time she called me "Little Bitch" and cut me out of the family a few years ago.

The counselor turned to Grandma L and told her exactly what a sincere apology sounds like, the reasons why it's so important and that even though she just put the words in her mouth, she needed to find her own for this situation. She was telling Grandma L that she needed to take responsibility for her part in the problem and that giving me the chance to let go of ill-will was critical.

Grandma L's apology was weak, but I didn't expect anything more. What was important was that she was facing the music. There was no more denial of situations or sweeping them under the rug as if they were unimportant events. I sat there quiet and emotionless and let them do what they needed to do. She cried about how she didn't want to be their mom, just their grandma and that she had no idea calling herself mommy would insinuate otherwise (gee, go figure).

When she attempted to apologize for calling me names and cutting me off, she began to justify her actions saying that she felt attacked. The counselor stopped her and redirected her back to the goal, telling her that she was confused in the moment and rather than asking questions to understand the problem, she mixed-up her confusion with anger and lashed out. She still needed to resolve the act of her confusion. Grandma L begrudgingly apologized. Things were moving in the right direction.

Then, Aunt Ju-Ju pipped up and asked about their apology. Just as we were taking steps forward, she was taking us two steps back. The counselor said that it wasn't going to happen, that it was too big of a step at this point. Bill then interjected. "Kristin has apologized. Sincerely. The phone call that she made to Mom where Mom hung up on her. I heard her apologize for her tone and jumping to conclusions." Grandma L began to lie, saying that she didn't hang up on me. This is where I opened my mouth, "Yes, you did," and the counselor quickly got us back on track. She told Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju that they will have to take Bill's bookmark reminder that there was an attempt at sincere apologies and that if they push it any farther, we'll stalemate and leave right back at square one. The counselor recognized how important Bill's input was and thanked him for this information. Grandma L rolled her eyes, shook her head and sighed, "Fine. Move on."

We accepted that this was all they were able to do, we tackled the two events and moved on to the next step which was discussing comfort levels of a meeting. This is where I added my two cents saying that I would compromise with a public meeting. We were not going to their house and they were not coming to ours. We agreed to meet for an hour at the park. We discussed boundaries - where Grandma L was told that crying would scare the kids (and I was SO GLAD the counselor brought this up because this is one of her main tools for emotional manipulation). Aunt Ju-Ju asked all of the boundary questions for Grandma L - what was acceptable and what wasn't. This really rubbed me the wrong way because it's common sense, but then I had to remind myself that this is the problem - they lack common sense and they have no concept of boundaries.

So, we went over actions like, hugging was OK, holding the kids was OK, taking them off somewhere else was not and when I asked for my children back, I expected to be respected and not argued with. Aunt Ju-Ju pipped up again, "No, what does it look like. We're not getting back into the past." But the counselor saw that they needed to know what not to do just as much as what a perfect meeting looked like and took over with that. "So, no taking the kids from your arms, no taking them out of the playground."

With this agreement to meet for an hour at the park, the counselor wrapped up the session quickly before anything could go wrong and screw up the massive baby-steps that were taken.

At the car, Bill hugged me and thanked me. He knew that I was doing this for him. After an hour of keeping up The Stone Wall in the session, completely emotionless, I let it all out on Bill's shoulder, tear-staining his shirt. In some way, I was able to move on because I felt like there was some justice being done. That people were facing their actions that caused hurt (no matter the intention) and this is one of those core issues for me. I need justice.

On Sunday afternoon, we woke up to rainy weather. We had to go with an alternate plan because the park wouldn't work. Bill tried to suggest they come over to our house and I quickly pulled the breaks on that. We decided to meet at the mall play area.

We got there and a million unruly kids were running around. Grandma L and Grandpa L greeted the kids and hung out in the courtyard until Logan pretty much told everyone that it was time to go play. So we made our way in. It was the perfect place for this first meeting. It was an absolute madhouse in there and I spent the entire time wrangling the boys, making sure Logan was sharing the slide and that Carter wasn't getting trampled over. There was no constant one-on-one interaction, just brief conversation with the kids before they ran off to play on something else. An hour was all Carter could handle and Bill recognized that he needed to go home. I didn't have to say anything. He wrapped up the play-date and we went home. It was relatively painless. There was no gabbiness, no teary emotional guilt trips, no excessive paparazzi photo shoots (which we did not address and I was concerned about it). It was quick, like ripping off a band-aid.

The plan of action is one more hour-long public meeting (I'm assuming sometime around Christmas). Between then, weekly brief phone calls with Logan on Sundays are OK and then we meet with the counselor again to asses the next step. We'll see what happens...

Insomniac ramblings

2009-10-02T01:11:00.003-06:00

It's 1:00am and I'm as awake as I would be at 8:00pm. Half of this is due to the side-effects of the asthma medication that I'm almost finished with, the other half is due to the sucker punch from earlier this evening.

As I was writing a restaurant review to post in the morning, Bill informed me (apologetically - and we'll get to that later) that we have an appointment to meet with his parents in a counseling session at 4:30 the next day. I was stunned. Not angry. Not livid. Not terribly upset. But utterly stunned. I did not even have the words to say a single word.

To back up a bit, half of the writer's block going on over here was due to some turbulent times between Bill and I. Every marriage has rough patches and God knows we have our fair share. It was bad. Very, very bad and there was damage. A lot of damage. Nothing that couldn't be undone, but there was some serious hurt that needed (and still needs) to be healed. We made it though the eye of the storm, changing our course and getting back on the right path, slowly but surely - trying - and then... this.

When Bill said that we needed to talk, that old familiar sinking feeling crept into the pit of my stomach. I closed the laptop and he held my hand. Sitting next to me and being the most sincere he's ever been, he apologized for all of the pain he caused over the last month or so. It was heartfelt, honest and real. He said that he made this appointment weeks ago during the horrible time and regretted it the instant he hung up. He assured me that he has my back and always will.

I still don't know what to think.

Even as it sinks in, I'm still not angry. I don't know why. We even laughed and cracked jokes. As my throbbing head pounded all ability to think from my brain, I told him that I thought I just had an aneurysm. My brain had just exploded. And I laughed. Why? Beats me.

I have a day to sort out my thoughts and clear my head. 4:30 marks the end of the year-long break away from the in-laws (which was oddly a post I had been thinking about writing next week).

I'm off to take a sleeping pill...

Mars and Venus?

2009-09-30T12:19:00.004-06:00

First and foremost, I have to acknowledge the incredibly lame writing that's been going on here on the blog. Life has been hectic with schedules, preschool and really, my writing on the restaurant review blog. I've never been one to multi-task well, even though I try. The last month or so of posts here have sucked. It's not my usual style and I think I'm about to come out of my personal writing funk. No more boring and bland blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, there has been a lot on my mind that I've wanted to write about, and we all know that I'm not one to hold back when spilling the beans, but it's taking me some time to even sort it out in my own head. Sometimes I just write and it works itself out, other times I have to have an epiphany before I hit the "New Post" button. This may be a combination of the two.

When I pick up Logan from preschool, I ask him about his day on our drive home. "How was school today? What did you learn about? What did you do?" "I dunno," he replies with a shoulder shrug. "What do you mean you don't know? You were there for 2 hours! You know what you did today. What did you eat? What did you read?" I ask him again. "I dunno," he replies again. This goes on for about three or four cycles until I get a response of some sort that usually doesn't make any sense.

This began to concern me. Was it a communication problem that Logan is having? Is this normal? I asked my friends who are in the same preschool class what their kids are telling them about their days. Some (the girls) report back more detail, but for the most part, I think we're all getting limited details. It's got to be a combination of where they are developmentally and the gender. Specifically, boy speak.

These are the same conversations that I have with Bill as we're hanging out on the couch at the end of the night. One word answers, shoulder shrugs and "I don't know". It's been driving me insane for a very long time, and I think I really began to notice the significant issue around the elections. There are a lot of things I like to talk about, none of which interest Bill in the slightest, and Bill has very few things he likes to talk about - period. More often than not, we sit on the couch and watch TV with our superficial, minimal discussion. With this, a wall grows - a space, a chasm, a distance from being unable to relate. I tend to fill that space with other things and hobbies - blogging, writing about food, MOMS Club, talking to and connecting with people who have the same interests. This leaves Bill behind, almost replaced since I find the missing pieces from others. Marriage is hard and sometimes it sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. Is it too much to get simple answers about my son's day? Is it too much to have a conversation with my husband at night? Do I talk a lot, like the stereotypical woman? What about a stereotypical stay-at-home mom? Am I just alone in a house full of testosterone separated by a communication difference of dinosaur growls, single word grunts and shrugs? Because frankly, that's how I'm feeling. Alone in my own home.

3 dozen cupcakes later

2009-09-29T09:55:00.000-06:00

On Sunday we had close to 30 people (including kids) in our house for Carter's first birthday party. I baked three dozen cupcakes, Bill made his cheesy chili dip and there were other snacky-type foods for us to munch on. Logan was really excited to play with his friends, Carter had a blast eating and playing with his friends and it was nice to hang out on our new front room furniture (which Bill doesn't think we'll use, but I do). It was also really nice to look around and see how many people have been apart of Carter's life since he's been born. We're really lucky to have so many friends.

And, in the chaos of it all, I totally forgot to get the camera and take pictures. Bad mom moment!

The difference between Autumn birthday parties and winter birthday parties is dramatic. For Carter, we'll always be able to have a ton of people over and just hang out or enjoy the kids running around in the back yard. With Logan's parties, we'll always either have to limit the amount of people we can cram in our house or find a space big enough to invite everyone. The things you don't think about when family planning...

Carter also had his 1 year check-up last week. He measured 29 inches long (20%), weighed 18 pounds 11 ounces (3%) and his head was 17 3/4 inches (15%). He's a small little guy, but growing just fine and we're not concerned about his low weight percentage (the kids eats everything anyway). He aced the developmental milestone questionnaire, being able to do everything (which is unusual) and he's as healthy as can be. We're at the point now in check-up's where our Pediatrician will ask if we're doing vaccinations that visit, I say no and that's that. It's not even a conversation anymore, just a question. It's nice not having to worry about it any more or continue to think about it.

Carter is walking (and I'm going to get some video soon), taking about 5-8 steps at a time. Watching him toddle around the house is hysterical. He is so freakin cute!! He knows how to climb up and down the stairs so now he can go down into the playroom with Logan. They go down together and do puzzles, read books or go crazy. It's adorable to see how well they get along and now much they like to play together. Plus, it gives me some free time to breath.

I've had to take the kids to the drop-in childcare center about once or twice a week and Carter is doing much better in dealing with the separation. He cries at first, but get's over it quickly. They've been super awesome with him and helping him feel comfortable. Good thing too because I have sessions to train and the kids will need to go there and then the times where I have writing assignments getting backed up, they'll need to hang out there for a few hours. I don't know what I would do without that place.

So, our crazy busy life continues!

So that's what you call it

2009-09-24T15:12:00.003-06:00

I don't know if "old" is the appropriate adjective, but over the last few weeks, possibly months, I've felt it. Or perhaps it's better described as "responsible". I think it may have something to do with being married for so long, living in a house, having two kids - one of which is in school. The days are filled with errands and work (which is taking up a lot more time than I expected), making sure Logan has his homework ready for school, Carter has enough winter clothes and being excited about purchasing new furniture. Maybe that's it - the tell-tale sign that you are "responsible", being excited about an ottoman.

Or maybe it's the new gray hairs I've found in the last two days. That makes me feel "responsible".

A year of Carter

2009-09-21T08:44:00.002-06:00

Carter's 1st birthday was on the 12th, a couple of weekends ago. It was a low key, fun day. Bill made a big breakfast, we sat in the living room helping Carter open his presents, had a nice family dinner and then cupcakes afterward. It was simple and sweet.

Now that our family's health is improving; Bill's foot is better, my asthma is getting under control and Logan's ear infection is clearing up - we're going to celebrate Carter's birthday with all of our friends this weekend with a big birthday bash. We have a list of close to 30 people an the RSVP's still aren't all in yet. It's going to be one big celebration!

This year with two boys has been both challenging and amazing. Juggling our schedule and multitasking has had me up in arms many times. However, the love that Logan and Carter have for each other is one of the sweetest bonds I've ever seen. It makes me smile many times throughout the day. I'm sad that Carter is growing so quickly, his first year has been full of cuddles, smiles and pure baby love. I love to kiss him all over, knowing that he won't let me do it for much longer. I will desperately miss this stage of babyhood - which was so much different the second time (probably because I knew what I was doing).

Baby Bean,

You have added such a sweetness to all of our lives and we love you so very much. Your charming personality, your coy smiles and the sparkle in your eyes enables you to make friends wherever you go. Your rowdiness and love for all things Boy makes you the perfect Best Friend with Logan. My heart is so full of love that it overflows into tears of joy.

With more love than I have words for,
Mommy

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Breathing is important, you know.

2009-09-17T13:00:00.002-06:00

About three weeks ago our town woke up to smoke filled skies. Visibility was very low, you couldn't see the mountains and really, it was just gross. Apparently, there was something going on with the weather (I don't remember exactly what), but it made the smoke from the California fires, fires in other states and fires in Colorado, all settle into our valley. Nasty.

I had a difficult time breathing, my throat burning and my nose running. I asked Bill if he felt that way, and when he didn't, I thought I was getting a cold. The air in our town cleared up over Labor Day weekend when the wind blew it away (for lack of a better explanation) and the skies were bright and pretty again. My lungs and body were still suffering though.

For weeks I coughed and coughed. It was annoying and it just wouldn't let up. Over the weekend I had to take Logan to the Doctor because he's been coughing too and Sunday morning he woke up crying hysterically because his ear hurt. Another ear infection for the poor kid. At his appointment, the Doctor listened to his lungs and said that we should keep an eye on his breathing because it sounded like he had asthma (something I've been talking to our regular Pediatrician about for a little while). The Doctor asked about our family history and asthma - which is all over the place (again, we passed on crappy genetics). Logan will probably have to have asthma treatments in the next year or so if it doesn't get worse now. And every time he gets sick, it will trigger his asthma. Grrrreeeeaaaat.

And then it hit me. All of this coughing I've been doing? It wasn't a cold. It was asthma. I was diagnosed way back in high school but never kept up with an inhaler. It wasn't bad enough. But with the smoke, the pollen and all of the crud in our air - I was struggling. That night I had a massive coughing fit for half an hour that made me get out of bed so I didn't wake up Bill. That's when I did a google search on asthma and decided that I needed to go to the Doctor for myself.

The next day I could hardly breath. Evey time I talked or even attempted a conversation, I began coughing and struggling to catch my breath. It was getting worse. I haven't been seen by a Doctor other than my OB in YEARS, so I had to find a General Practitioner and now. It wasn't an emergency, but it was bad enough to be very concerned. I got a recommendation from one of the moms in MOMS Club and made an appointment to be seen in a few short hours.

After being hooked up to a nebulizer, I was prescribed three different medications - One rescue inhaler to use every 4 hours or when I can't breath, another inhaler to use twice a day and Singulair to take at night. The good news is that I only have to take these medications for a month and not the rest of my life. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to where I was before the air quality changed and my lung health spiraled out of control. The bonus from the visit was that the Doctor asked for my business card so she could send one of her patients to me for a personal training evaluation (this made me laugh. And cough).

So, with inhalers in hand - I'm on my way to better breathing and not suffocating in front of my kids.

Totally saved the day

2009-09-16T19:42:00.002-06:00

Over the last few days (almost week now), I've been taking care of everything in the house. Taking care of the boys, taking care of Bill, taking care of the chores and everything in between. However, I have not been taking care of the computer issues. Bill has done that and saved the day.

Carter has his first birthday on Saturday. As usual, I was preparing to post his first year/birthday montage, complete with cheesy music that makes me cry. The computer started to act funky and had re-started itself a few times. Not too much later, I was contacted about a writing assignment for our city and started working on that too. Then, just as I was getting elbow deep in work - the entire system crashed. And? We had not backed up our files in a long time.

The next day I bought a new hard drive and Bill was going to try and recover our lost files. With pain still throbbing in his foot, wrapped up and on crutches, he fixed our computer, made it even better and recovered all of our files. The pictures I was using for the montage, the writing assignment, my personal training files - all of it. SAVED. YEA!

Now that wonder boy, computer genius saved the computer, my writing assignment has been sent in for publication tomorrow - I'll be able to get back to work on Carter's montage and FINALLY celebrate his first birthday here on the blog.

The most entertaining injury of the ER

2009-09-10T19:37:00.005-06:00

Last night Bill came home from work and we started our early evening routines. He mowed the lawn, Logan picked at his dinner and I wrangled Carter. After Bill had finished the lawn, we hung out on the back deck for a little while and let the kids run around to burn off some energy.

We were talking about the sliding screen door and how it needed to be replaced. Buddha had scratched some holes in it earlier this year (last year?) and now that he wasn't there to scratch anymore, replacing the screen made sense. Bill remembered that we had an extra screen in the garage and he went to grab it while I stayed in the back yard with the boys.

The kids were laughing and playing and all of a sudden, my ears perked up a bit. I heard a faint yell. It was Bill yelling my name. I just figured he needed my help with something, so I left the kids in the back yard and went into the garage.

Clearly distressed, Bill told me that he was stuck. It didn't quite click with me until he reiterated but with more detail that he was stuck, foot impaled on the corner of the dog kennel. He had used a two-step stool to grab the screen from the top shelf, lost his balance and stepped back with all of his weight on his right foot. He stepped right on top of a blunt hook on the kennel and it went all the way into his foot. He was stuck.

Taking a deep breath, I ran back inside to grab the kids and put them in the living room where they would be safe. I came back out into the garage and dialed 9-1-1 knowing somebody would have to come and cut him out of the wire. The whole time I tried to stay calm while I heard the kids crying in the house and Bill writhing in pain. He tried to first pull the hook out while I urged him not to. He then tried to take apart the side walls of the kennel to reduce the pressure on his foot, but it was caught on a corner. He breathed heavily in a cold sweat and was turning pale while a pool of blood collected underneath his foot.

After the call for an ambulance, I ran next door to one of our neighbors houses and asked if they could watch the boys while I went to the ER with Bill. They were really nice about it and were super helpful. Soon the fire department arrived in a big fire truck and three EMT's came to Bill's rescue. While they were cutting him out, a few more EMT's arrived with the ambulance. They were cutting Bill out, putting him on oxygen and giving him heavy doses of pain medication (where he almost passed out) and I got Carter to bed and coordinated with our neighbor about taking care of Logan. Neighbors I have never met offered to help, which was really nice. All of the neighbors in our cul-du-sac were in their front yards watching as Bill was wheeled on the gurney and loaded up in the ambulance with his foot wrapped up to support the TV antenna-like rods that were protruding from his bandage. I drove the car and followed close behind on our way to the ER.

We arrived in the ER on a very busy night. We were one of the lucky few to get a bed at the time we came in. With Bill's foot wrapped up securely, he was hooked up to an IV and was given doses of fentanyl. The drugs worked for a short time and wore off quickly, resulting in a roller coaster of pain for him. He was constantly asking for more medication between joking around with the nurses. He was the model patient with a rusty metal hook lodged up in his foot and we thought his smart ass demeanor probably made the staff think he wasn't in that much pain.

After being there for hours (three or four), getting x-rays and taking pictures of his injury, a Doctor finally came in to take a look at it. He wiggled the metal pieces around and Bill begged for more medication. He actually had asked for it before the Doctor took off the bandage but was ignored (and that really made him mad, understandably). He was given morphine and his foot was shot up with lidocaine. The Doctor came back and messed around with it some more to see if he could pull it out. Unfortunately, he thought it was stuck on tendons or ligaments and it needed to be surgically removed.

The first Doctor sent in another Doctor, the OR Doctor, who was a bit more aggressive and pretty much twisted and ripped the hook out of Bill's foot. On on hand, saving us hours and massive amounts of hospital Bills and on the other hand, risking more internal damage. I asked about about possible damage and the Doctor just kind of shrugged and asked Bill if he could move his toes. He could and we were told that because of the lidocaine, it was difficult to tell what kind of damage was done. Either way, Bill was relieved to finally have it out of his foot and on the road to getting out.

The next step was a tentaus shot, getting pumped full of antibiotics and a detailed irrigation of the puncture wound. The staff helping Bill out were really friendly and chatting us up. In some ways, it was kind of awkward that we were so jovial when there were people next to us in the same ER room waiting for results of their child's CAT scan, possibly getting the news that he had cancer. On the other side there was a student who had mono and down the hall, a crazy person who was off their meds and needed to be sedated before going to the psych ward.

Bill's injury was the highlight of the night in the ER mostly because it was an amazing story with a happy ending. Nurses and staff from all around came in to take a look at his foot before the hook was removed and after. Everyone was passing the x-rays around in amazement. It was a shocking injury because the hook was so blunt and rounded. A spoon was sharper than this! The first Doctor was equally entertained and told us stories of other random foreign objects he's had to remove (you don't want to know...)

They left the puncture wound open and wrapped his foot up in bandages, giving us discharge instructions to watch for infection and to follow up in about 10 days. We are SO LUCKY that it was just Bill's foot and not a different body part, like his leg, torso or head. Those could have been deadly. For now, Bill is loaded up on vicodin and hobbling around the house on crutches. Miserable, but alive and healing.

First Day of Preschool

2009-09-08T19:58:00.003-06:00

Today marked a big milestone for Logan - his first day of preschool! He woke up this morning very agreeable, ate all of his breakfast at the first request after I told him that he couldn't go to school with an empty stomach. He didn't bat an eye when I told him that he needed to get dresses and to brush his teeth, another anomaly in our home. It was a happy, calm start to the day - everything went perfectly and we even got there on time! (those who know me know how much of a shocker that is).

We got to school and hung up his backpack on the hook with his name, and then I made him a name tag. We walked in and he said "Hi" to a couple of his friends that he knows from playgroup. One of his teachers had him place a sticker by his name on a chart. After that, he was off! I was so happy that he was comfortable and excited to go. I thought I would cry, but didn't get choked up too much.

Today's class was only an hour and then the next class is the full two and a half hours. Since today was so short, Carter and I went to Starbucks and ate a little breakfast together - coffee, muffin and a banana for him. It seemed to fly by.

We came back to pick him up and chatted with come of our friends while we waited. The teachers let the kids out of class one by one. When it was Logan's turn, he came out running and gave me a big hug, excited to tell me all of the fun things he did in class. It was so cute!

We stayed and played on the church lawn while he ran around with a couple of his buddies. I'm so glad all of the preschool-prep classes were worth it and that school is something that he looks forward to!

The silent drive

2009-09-07T06:34:00.000-06:00

"Let's get a dog", I told Bill 11 years ago. "We should get a Pug". He was reluctant at the idea of a Pug since he thought they were ugly. I had grown up with Pugs most of my life and loved them from their smooshed, snorty faces to their curly tails. Even though the answer was no, I kept pressing, being the person that I am that always tries to get my own way.

One afternoon on my lunch break at the law firm, we decided to kill some time at a nearby pet store. This store had some cool animals, like monkeys and sugar gliders. We had always laughed at the joke of getting a monkey, but this day we never imagined walking out with a Pug.

We saw him and knew from the moment we took him out of his kennel to play that he would be a part of our family. It was love at first sight for Bill as he played with the little roly poly Pug with a bulging Buddha belly that looked like he swallowed a tennis ball.

That name suck with him. Buddha.

Saturday morning Buddha wasn't doing so well. I was getting ready for a writing group meeting and while curling my eyelashes, Bill came into the bathroom to break the news. "I don't think Buddha has much longer. He's really struggling". Tearing up, because we've both known for some time that this day was coming, I came downstairs to asses the situation. Buddha was laying on the laundry room floor with extremely labor breathing and couldn't move. Bill propped him up on his legs, they quickly gave out and he left a puddle on the floor. It was not good.

In the last week or so, we've noticed that Buddha's arthritis was getting worse. It was difficult for him to walk from the laundry room to the back yard and he mostly just sat all day. Each day he moved slower and slower. In the last two days, Bill noticed that Buddha wasn't eating much. His food bowl was still full after a few days which is the typical food-strike he pulls when Bill is out of town, but that wasn't the case now.

We knew we had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our lives.

I asked Bill if he wanted me to stay at home rather than go to my meeting. He urged me to go but to take Logan with. Carter was sleeping and Bill was going to take some time to figure out what we should do and where to take Buddha. He spent some one-on-one time with our crippled, aged old man of a dog while Carter slept and Logan was clueless about the situation that lie ahead.

The meeting was a nice distraction, as I'm pretty good at shoving my feelings deep down to focus on the tasks at hand. Only when asked about my day did I cry about knowing of the upcoming death of our family dog. I'm not good at keeping secrets and have never really been one to say that everything is fine when it's not. So with tears streaming down my face, I told them of the situation at hand, moved on and got to work.

I came back with text messages from one of my sisters asking what was going on with Buddha. I knew that Bill must have made a facebook update about the situation and hoped that Buddha had passed naturally in the few short hours we were gone. He was still there in the laundry room, in the exact same place as he was before I left, only this time in a pool of urine and still panting heavily. He was dying. Slowly.

I arranged for someone to watch the boys while Bill and I took Buddha to the University Vet hospital to be euthanized. Before we left, I sat with Logan at the kids table, in a kid-sized chair and talked to him about what was going on. I told him that Buddha was really sick and that we were going to take him to the doctor. But Buddha was so sick that the doctors wouldn't be able to fix him so they were keeping him and taking him to a special place.

"You know when you squish a bug and it dies?" I asked Logan. "Does Buddha have bugs in him? Does he have butterflies in his stomach?" he asked. "No, Buddha doesn't have bugs in him. But he's sick." I tried to explain, realizing that Logan was too young to understand what was going on. "Buddha is so sick that he's not going to come home from the doctor. He's going to die." I tried to explain matter of factly so I wouldn't scare him. "Oh, we're going to get another dog!" he responded. "No, not right now, Sweetie Pea" I assured him. "Not for a while..."

On the drive there, the moment was filled with silence. I sat there cinching my seat belt tighter and tighter to somehow secure myself into my seat more than I already was. Thinking about our life with Buddha, Bill and I didn't say anything to each other and Buddha didn't bark his usual excited and worked-up barking that he does when riding in the car. He knew this time he wasn't going to the park. And we knew that this was the best decision for our silver-faced Pug.

Bill went into the hospital to check Buddha in while I sat with him in the trunk of our Outback, lined in a tarp and with him wrapped up in a flannel sheet because if his loss of bodily functions. He continued his labored breathing while I sat stroking his ears and wiping his face with the blanket. While sitting with him, a couple walked out of the hospital in tears, sobbing, because they had just faced the same situation. I could only turn my head and cry as I heard the woman weeping as her husband held her tight.

Bill soon came out with one of the hospital workers and picked up Buddha from the back seat of the car. Both mourning, we walked the walk of sorrow to the exam room with our dying dog. After paperwork was complete and they had checked him out and prepped for the procedure, they brought Buddha back in the exam room and we sat with him on a gray padded mat on the floor and him wrapped in one of the hospitals' forest green heavy blankets that he was still leaking through. They had an oxygen tube for him to help his labored breathing. I twirled his ears and Bill pet his head as we sat together sobbing and comforted our first dog onto whatever place we go to next...

We picked him up from the pet store the day we moved into our first apartment together. Buddha was with us on Day One. He grew up with us. He was there waiting for us when we got home from our wedding. He was there for every wild party we had, Buddakan, aptly named in honor of him and the fortunes that came from the Chinese fortune cookies plastered all over our front door.

He was there in the best of times and in the worst of the worst. He rode trucker-style when we moved across the country from Vegas to Portland where he had a back yard to run around in (and get fleas for the first time). He was a good traveler when we moved from Portland to Denver for a better life and once more when we moved from Denver to Fort Collins for the sake of our family, always barking excitedly for the joy ride he was experiencing.

He was there when we brought Logan home from the hospital, wagging his tail and sniffing the newborn baby swaddled in the pink and blue stripped blanket. He was the best babysitter, racing me to the crying baby Logan in his crib, being the shadow dog that he was. He mourned the loss of his play pal Beck, our Beagle who passed shortly before moving to Fort Collins and was there to welcome another newborn baby, Carter.

He was there as "Buddha pillow", always ready to cuddle on the futon and wedged perfectly by the arm making a soft chubby pillow during TV times. He was there for entertainment, getting dressed up in ridiculous Halloween costumes, doing tricks and his peek-a-boo howl. He was also smart and did things as he wanted, but was surprisingly obedient. We talked to him like a person and he understood every word we said to him.

Buddha was our first family dog and his loss hurt us so much. Although we know we made the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier. We came home from the hospital and took care of the kids as usual, taking them to Chuck E. Cheese since that was the plan for "family fun day" and Logan didn't comprehend what was going on. As mourning parents, we have to still take care of our kids just as every other day, regardless of explanations of crying and feeling sad that Buddha was sick and gone.

Going out in the back yard that night brought tears to my eyes again, feeling his loss as he used to sit with us on the deck. Writing his eulogy sent me in tears for most of the night. The morning after was especially hard for Bill now that there wasn't our dog to let out in the morning.

There is an emptiness in our hearts and in our home.

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Carter is well past 11 months old

2009-09-02T15:18:00.003-06:00

There are few words for what life has been like with Carter at 11 months old. It's shocking that in only a few weeks, we'll be celebrating his first birthday. His coy smile and charming personality make him Mr. Popularity around these parts. He's hard to resist with that 4-toothed grin.

He is funny, and smart and cuddly and cute. He is a trouble maker, climbing up the stairs (our many, steep stairs) all the way up to the top. He plays with Logan and falls over laughing.

He claps his hands in delight when I walk into the room, reaching out for me with his sort-of chubby baby arms. When Bill walks in the door from coming home from work, Carter crawls to him as fast as he can exclaiming "Dada! Dada!" Oh. So. Cute.

He loves to play with his little friends (or his "baby friends", as I call them). I seem to forget how quickly he's growing and how much he loves to play with little kids his own age. I don't think he'll be such a tag-along little brother - I think he'll be able to hold his own and do his own thing.

Soon he'll be walking, since he's walking around with only holding one of my hands now. He's eating everything we do when we go out to eat. He'll be giving up the bottle and switching to sippy cup only. These are my last days of babyhood...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Oh, hi there.

2009-08-31T13:27:00.000-06:00

I think this may be the longest time I've gone without updating the blog. For such an anal retentive person, that's a travesty. But, really, there's been a lot going on and little time to tell about it (isn't that the case for everyone?)

Last week was dramatic, but it had nothing to do with the in-laws - WHICH IS A FREAKIN' MIRACLE. There was the tail-end of playgroup madness, people cutting off their noses to spite their faces. I'll write a blog post on this next week. It's too good to not tell but it isn't over yet. Lovely, isn't it.

I suppose the biggest hoo-ha was with my restaurant review that I wrote on the other blog. The other blog is going quite well, gaining popularity in our little town and I'll be ready to pick up advertisers this week - making me a professional blogger (how crazy is that!). Anyway, I wrote a review about a Caribbean place in town that wasn't so great. It was a fair review though, and I did point out some great dishes. Well, the owners caught wind of it and sent a mass email to their customers who sighed up for their newsletter and asked them to visit the blog and leave comments about how great their food is. This tripled my stats and I had just added a few advertisements to the blog. Cha-ching!

It was interesting to see how many people RAVED about this place, calling it their #1 or #2 favorite place in town. If that's they case, these people are missing out on A LOT. Anyway, it was entertaining, to say the least and it certainly helped me out on the marketing end.

The rest of the week was pretty chill. I'll FINALLY have Carter's 11 month update done tomorrow as we get ready for his birthday party this month and also get Logan ready to start preschool! It makes me want to cry!

Once every 3 years is too long

2009-08-24T16:28:00.006-06:00

It always seems that when you have fun and exciting things planned for the weekend, the days go by so fast that you don't really have a chance to savor them. That's how this weekend was.

On Saturday Bill went up in the mountains for the day to train for his disc golf tournament that's coming up and the kids and I stayed at home. We had a birthday party to go to later in the afternoon and had fun playing out in their backyard.

Sunday afternoon Logan and Carter's Aunt J and Uncle C came out to visit for a short while. They are doing a month long road trip across the country and stopped on their way back. We hadn't seen them since Logan was just over a year old and they hadn't met Carter yet. Sunday afternoon was spent hanging out and playing with the kids (after Logan got over his poor attitude). Aunt J took a ton of pictures of the boys and some of them turned out really cute!

After the kids went to bed, we had a massive steak dinner that Bill grilled up with grilled corn on the cob and potatoes. It was delicious! We hung out chatting and had a few drinks. It was nice to catch up and hang out. They spent the night and after a huge breakfast that Bill made on Monday morning, they hit the road to continue their trip with a visit to a friend in Denver.

It's a bummer that we don't live close to family where we have fun and enjoy the visit. These are the family moments I wish my boys had more of - the fun, easygoing, stress-free times playing with cars and showing off skills and being cute. As much as I really like living here, it was another reminder of how much it sucks to be far away from family.

I hope we'll be able to visit with them again next summer.

A parent's worst nightmare

2009-08-21T14:20:00.006-06:00

A couple of mornings ago while driving Bill to work, we had to take a detour because of an accident scene. We didn't know what was going on, but with the amount of police on the scene and how much yellow tape there was, we figured it had been pretty serious. I told Bill that when I got home I'd read the paper online because I knew some information would be reported there. That's just small town life here.

I got home and was reading about how a high school kid got plowed over while biking across the street on her way to school. This morning while on our drive to drop Bill off, we drove by the accident scene where people have tied ribbons on the light post and arranged flowers on the street corner.

I read the update this morning that she had died last night.

As a mom, I can't even begin to imagine the pain these parents are feeling. In fact, I feel like a part of my brain just doesn't connect when trying to process such a scenario. It's so traumatizing, it's literally unthinkable.

I drive this road and cross this intersection countless times a day, a week, a month, a year and will forever be reminded how our lives can change in a instant. That tragedy can befall at any moment. We live in a very safe town, but not so much for bicyclists. With two boys who will inevitably want to ride their bikes out our small neighborhood (a series of 3-4 cul-du-sacs) and along a very busy road where motorists don't yield to pedestrians and cyclists IN CROSSWALKS, it's something that's very concerning.

We can strap helmets on our kids, pads on their knees and elbows. We can watch them every second of the way, but we can't protect them from everything. This is a parent's worst nightmare.

Bullet Proof

2009-08-17T14:47:00.004-06:00

Hey! It's a bullet day! And this is why....

Our playgroups are splitting and I've had to deal with people complaning about someone complaining. Sounds crazy? Yes, it is. And? The drama mama complainer is compalining about a situation that she made up on her own and it was never going to happen in the first place. Yowza!
I'm *this close* to becoming a professional blogger in our city with the food blog I'm writing. I've been contacted about advertising and sponsorship from a business!!!
Needless to say, since food blogging is going to pay me, my priority is to write there more than here. Boo.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything I'm doing, but I think I've got it handled.
On Saturday a couple of my training clients took us out for lunch (to do a food review) and I ate shark. Alicia totally grossed me out about parasites with her facebook comment on my wall and I've wanted to puke ever since.
Sunday is "Special Day" according to Logan. It's when we do some family fun thing together. This week we went out for breakfast and bowling afterward. It was fun! Carter had a great time clapping for everyone and Logan almost bowled better than me with bumpers and a ramp. Bill was a pro-bowler bowling 4 strikes in a row.
Sunday evening I went to our community festival by myself - without the family - and had an AMAZING time. It was so fun! I was on assignment for the food blog and listened to Ozomatli in concert (again - I saw them when they opened for G Love and Special Sauce years ago).
I got Logan and Bill Lucha Libre masks at the festival. HILARIOUS!

First blood

2009-08-13T14:44:00.003-06:00

Yesterday afternoon, Logan had more unbridled energy than any kid should have. He frequently is a spastic tornado, running around the house without any sense of space and doesn't quite grasp the concept that he has the ability to harm others. Both boys were playing in Logan's room when I hear Carter cry his "I'm in pain" cry. I go in and ask Logan what had happened to which he replied, " I hit Carter". Not being able to tell if it was a true accident or if it was a casualty from an out of control freak out, I picked up Carter to comfort him and noticed he had a bloody lip.

Logan spent the morning in his room, falling asleep at 11:00 and waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon. This kid was lucky I didn't smack some sense into him.

This afternoon Logan went to the drop-in childcare center while Carter and I had a play date with one of his little baby friends and her mom. Carter was crawling around, all over everything and as fast as he could. He ended up doing a face plant on the hardwood floor in the kitchen. After I picked him up, I noticed that once again, he had a bloody lip. The same place as the day before.

Poor baby. His first bloody lip and one two days in a row. This certainly won't be the last.

Island Party

2009-08-11T15:50:00.003-06:00

Over the weekend we went to Bill's company summer Island Party. We missed it last year because Carter had just been born days earlier and I was not about to take a newborn out on a lake full of catfish. But this year, we were set! And excited!

It was a potluck party and Bill tried to convince me not to bring anything. Why, I don't know. But, I'm not down for showing up to a pot luck empty handed. It must be the Betty Crocker stay-at-home mom inside me who has attended more pot lucks since becoming a mom than I'd ever imagined. I insisted I'd bring something, even if it was homemade chocolate chip cookies. And that's exactly what I did.

The lake (pond?) is less than 5 minutes away from our house and I'd never heard about it before, let alone seen it in the four years we've lived here. It's pretty secluded, although it is right next to the freeway. Crazy!

Anyway, we all loaded up on the boat to get to the island where the party was. It was a fun ride and Logan was thrilled, pointing out waterfalls and random wildlife. We got to the dock that was designed to look like a hut with a grass roof and all. Logan and the son of one of Bill's co-workers hit it off and hand-in-hand ran off to go feed the catfish. There was a huge tub of food right by the dock and they fed these humongous fish by the scoopful. They jumped out of the water and a feeding frenzy broke out, splashing lake water on everyone. Gross, but the kids had a great time.

There was a small sandy beach for volley ball, a nice dock with lots of patio furniture to lounge in and a private beach with paddle boats and canoes. I took Logan out on the canoe while Bill stayed on land with Carter. We had a great time out there paddling around and watching people jump off the big lake trampolines, and it was a pretty good workout! It also made me want to get a canoe for next summer.

For the rest of the afternoon, I hung out talking with Bill's office mates while he supervised Logan and his friend playing in the lake. We had a really great time (even if some people said some stupid things that made me bite my tongue). We're looking forward to next years picnic and we are SO LUCKY that Bill works for such a great company.

Immersion therapy

2009-08-10T06:15:00.001-06:00

Almost two years ago, possibly a bit longer, Logan developed an extreme phobia to dogs, just out of the blue. He was never attacked or hurt by a dog and he's lived with Buddha since the day he came home from the hospital. It became apparent how serious this phobia was when we were attending a baby shower while I was still pregnant with Carter.

We were sitting in the kitchen chatting and eating cake while the kids played out in the back yard. The host had a mellow black lab who was out there with the kids. Suddenly, we hear Logan screaming bloody murder and see him running up the deck and scramble up on top of the picnic table, almost trying to scale the back yard wall just to get away. Nothing happened to him but he was hysterical. It was horrifying for him and it startled the rest of us.

Since then, he has been terribly afraid of all dogs (expect Buddha). When we visit a friend's house, they have to keep their dogs gated away or Logan will freak out. Not a tantrum, but have a panic attack. His last Halloween was almost ruined when one our neighbors neglected to keep their young, hyper dog away from the door and when we knocked, the dog escaped and ran throughout the neighborhood. Logan didn't want to continue trick-or-treating and it took an act of congress to get him to knock on another door, with him questioning us if there was a dog on the other side.

As time went on, we thought this was something he would grow out of. We thought that as he got older, he would have a better understanding of dogs or situations and would be more comfortable. This never happened. His fear is as extreme today as it was at the baby shower. He has a true phobia.

I just feel so bad for him. A boy so afraid of dogs...and in our town to boot! Everyone has at least one if not two. He deals with this fear on a regular basis - weekly. That's a lot for a kid to be terrified.

I had been researching for quite a while on how to help him out with this. In situations where he is panicked, there is no reasoning with him or trying to encourage him to relax. "Talk therapy" isn't the answer, but immersion therapy is.

Immersion therapy is pretty much facing the fear head on. There are steps you take and you try to learn to relax when you are panicking most, so this takes a lot of work with a three year old. Logan is fine with talking about dogs, looking at pictures of dogs and seeing dogs from afar where he knows he is safe. He gets scared around dogs that are close to him on leash and terrified of dogs on the loose.

This morning we went to an activity with a therapy dog. Last month when I saw this coming up, I was thrilled and made sure to sign Logan up right away. This was our first step in facing his fear. Being close to a very mellow, obedient dog who wasn't on leash. The timing couldn't have been more perfect since he had another panic attack at a friends house last week.

I had been prepping him for a few days, letting him know that we would be around a dog that wasn't on a leash and that the dog would be there to read us stories. He thought it was pretty cool. I asked him if he was afraid and he told me that he was scared of barking dogs (even though the dogs he panics around aren't barking). So, I kept talking to him about it for a couple of days. Then Friday morning he was pretty excited about it all, telling me how happy he was that a dog was going to read stories.

We got to the garden where story time was hosted and as the therapy dog came walking to the picnic area, Logan became a bit more concerned and started to back up onto a park bench that we were sitting on. I kept reassuring him (as I always do) that the dog was nice and that he was OK. He sat right up close with me in the front row, the closest people there, and he listened to the stories and became more comfortable around the therapy dog (who happened to be a black lab).

After the first story, the dog was entertaining the kids by playing games like catching treats and playing peek-a-boo from under a blanket. I tried to gently encourage Logan to participate in all of the activities he could. And he did. He really liked throwing treats to the dog, helping to cover the dog with a blanket to play peek-a-boo and even petted the dog - on the tail with her head between the owners legs (she figured out Logan was afraid almost right away).

After another story, the kids played London Bridge with the dog. The older, taller kids bent down with the hands on the floor (like downward dog in yoga), making an arch for the dog to crawl through. One girl volunteered to go first and while we were watching I asked Logan if he wanted to try too (thinking he wouldn't and we would have to figure something out to help him feel more courageous). But, he excitedly said yes and he actually let the dog crawl underneath him. This was shocking and such a HUGE step for him. He did great!

At the end of story time, the kids could come by and sit with the dog and pet her. Carter enjoyed his time with the dog and his little baby friend, but Logan wasn't too keen on petting her again. so, I considered this a huge victory in his battle and left it at that.

Since he made such incredible progress, my next step is to continue looking for therapy dog activities around town. After he becomes comfortable with that, we'll work on being comfortable around his friends' dogs and then last, we'll venture out to play with hyper puppies. It's going to take some time, but I think he can do it.

Leaky ears

2009-08-04T14:08:00.002-06:00

Last Wednesday Carter got pretty sick. He was boogery, lethargic and had a decent fever. All he wanted to do was cuddle and sleep. He was feeling better the next day, but was still a bit cruddy and even though he was even better by Friday, I thought he might have an ear infection since he was showing signs, like poking at his ear, fussiness and even a bit of drainage coming out.

So, Friday afternoon we went to see our pediatrician who took a look at his ears and said they looked great. Totally clear. With a sigh of relief, we left and continued with our weekend plans as usual. Bill was also leaving for a business trip on Monday morning, so it was nice to know that even though Carter had a cold, that was it. Nothing worse. I could deal with a baby and a cold by myself.

The weekend went great and Carter seemed fine. He did continue to have ear leakage, mostly happening when he woke up from naps or sleep. It wasn't too alarming and after consulting Dr. Google, these were clear signs that he did have an ear infection. The leakage was from a hole in his ear drum that relieved the pressure and would help Carter feel better. Things should clear up on their own.

But they didn't.

On Monday morning when we dropped Bill off at the airport, I got Carter out of his car seat to give his Dad a hug good-bye. His right ear had leaked all over his shoulder and his ear was crusty with yellow wax. It was a bit much. We drove home and I cleaned him up. Then he woke up form his afternoon nap and goop was literally pouring out of his ear and onto his shirt. So I called the advice nurse who told us to see the Doctor. In between the appointment and the phone call, I had been following Carter around with a tissue to dab the drainage from his ear so it wouldn't get everywhere. It was that bad.

We went in as the last appointment of the day because that's the only time they had for us. We saw one of the Physicians Assistants who used to see Logan when he was a baby during all of his allergy testing appointments and vaccination issues. I hadn't seen her in a few years since she pushed vaccinations so hard and didn't really listen to my concerns, and that's when we started seeing our pediatrician only.

Anyway, she came in surprised to see us and met Carter, who was all smiles. She took his temperature and he did have a slight fever again. She looked at his ear and couldn't see anything because it was full of crud. She cleared it out by digging in there with a knitting needle-type tool and pulled out gobs of yellow goo. His ear was red, swollen and she couldn't even see the ear drum. He had a pretty nasty ear infection.

Well. Just what I thought days prior, but now it was worse, not clearing up on it's own and he needed antibiotics.

So, Carter's first ear infection and medication. His ear is a little better today, not leaking nearly as much, but still crusty when he wakes up. We're supposed to go back in a few weeks to double check and make sure everything is healing well and probably check his hearing as well. I hope it's fine!

So far, it hasn't been too much to deal with on my own and I'm so glad it's not worse!

Walking with Dinosaurs

2009-08-03T11:55:00.003-06:00

This weekend we had a special family day that drove us down to Denver (which we hate) but it was for a good reason. It all started a few weeks ago when Bill got a hold of one ticket to see Phish at Red Rocks. Yea, awesome, lots of fun - except it was one ticket and I would be left at home with the boys. Not fun. I told him to go, but expect me to go to Vegas with friends for my night of alone fun.

He began looking for another ticket so we could both go, and that was next to impossible. People were selling these tickets left and right - for HUNDREDS of dollars. Stupid scalpers. One night, Bill decided to pass up on his ticket and stop looking for one for me and instead, bought tickets for the family to see Walking With Dinosaurs at the Pepsi Center.

After he bought the tickets, we couldn't keep the news from Logan. The next morning we told him and for weeks that's all he asked about. It was actually a good tool to help him learn the days of the week. Bill would teach him the days of the week and Logan quickly figured out that Sunday was the big day.

Yesterday we jumped in the car for our long-ish drive down there and got a little lost by passing the exit (not too lost though, just a detour). It was really funny because Logan asked "Are we there yet?" about 100 times. He was really excited and it was too cute. We finally got there and walked in with the other thousands of people lining up in the heat of the day.

It actually didn't take long for us to get to out seats. We bought the cheap seats because Logan is three and a half and Carter doesn't know any better. We bought Logan a pair of binoculars just in case. It turned out to be a great decision because we could see just fine and Logan thought his binoculars were pretty cool.

The show was great and every now and then Logan would lean over and tell Bill how much he loved him. SO CUTE! Carter watched the show too and sat on my lap for most of the time. We grabbed some snacks at intermission ($4.00 for a bottled water!!??). Logan got a cup of ice cream that melted on his lap because he was more interested in Dinosaurs than paying attention to vanilla soft serve. It was only about the last five to ten minutes that Carter got fussy and I had to step out - during the highlight of the show where Tyrannosaurs Rex was running around (the Dinosaurs were amazing).

We had such a great time together and it felt so nice to be doing something special as a family. I'm sure Logan will talk about this day for weeks, especially since he's been asking when we're going back. I'm really happy that Bill sacrificed his night at the concert for an adventure with the kids.

Life at three and a half

2009-07-31T10:35:00.000-06:00

Dear Logan,

I've typed and deleted this letter more times than I can count. It's taken me days to sit and ponder on what I'm going to write about when it comes to life with you as a three and a half year old. Sometimes, I just don't have the words.

Much like other three and a half year olds, you are stubborn. It doesn't help that you got some of that from me, making you twice as stubborn. We butt heads. A lot. There are times that I just can't argue with you any more after I ask you to do something and you yell, "DON'T TELL ME!" I quickly pack up my work and take a break in the office.

I've given into the requests of "chocolate milk" (which is really Carnation Instant Breakfast, but you wouldn't know that) and "apple bars" (which is whatever flavor of Nutrigrain bar you pick out at the store that week) and you have this for breakfast every single day. For lunch it's always a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and you help to grab everything I need to make it. Dinner? I give up. You rarely eat. Which makes me wonder... If you hardly eat, how on earth do you have all of this spastic energy? It defies the laws of physics. I'm baffled.

Despite the never-ending chorus of "No", the insanely annoying Dinosaur growls that you speak in most of the day and the crazy bouncing off the walls as if you had just chugged a pot of coffee, your sweetness and humor shadow the times that drive me nuts and near strangulation.

The mornings when I wake up to the sound of you and Carter playing because you snuck into his room to say good morning, the bedtimes where your Dad and I lay down with you in bed and we each read a book to each other, and the times you play excitedly with your friends being nice and sharing your toys - sometimes, three and a half is more fun than I can remember.

You are sharp as a tack, knowing your ABC's and counting to 20. You know the names of many Dinosaurs. You ask about people and places we've been. Every morning I'm asked, "Where are we going today?" and God forbid we don't have something going on because you will insist that we do. When we drive around town, you point the directions out to me, knowing where to turn to go to Dad's work, where to turn to go to the daycare center, and where to turn to go to the gym. You are thrilled to start preschool and ask if that's where we are going that day. You are my little Personal Trainer urging me to go to the gym on the days I've only planned to stay at home. When we drive by, you point, "There's the gym! I want to go play!".

You still have an intense phobia of dogs, but spiders, bees, grasshoppers and everything I find gross is fine with you. You are drawn to the dirt patch in the back yard (which was supposed to be a garden - maybe next year!) like a moth to a flame. I tell you more than ten times a day to get out of the dirt and it only goes in one ear and out the other. "Boys are noise with dirt on them", so true in our house. So very true.

I love how you jump in puddles, cuddle with everyone on the couch including Kitty, teach Carter new things, run into the office to scare me at night and end up giving me a big hug and your zest for the simple things in life. You certainly add more to our lives than we could have ever imagined.

Hey Sweetie Pea. Guess What? I love you. Bunches and bunches.
Mom

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I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight

2009-07-29T11:46:00.004-06:00

The pendulum of life and luck swings methodically throughout time. Certain moments in life are nothing but trials and tribulation, one challenge after the other and sometimes it's difficult to see the positive in anything. Other moments are amazing, full of happiness, care-free and easy-going.

I don't believe in God, or really, the type of God modern Christianity preaches about - the almighty being that controls everything at their whim and based on The Grand Plan. I don't believe that good things happen to people as a reward or bad things happen as punishment. But, I do see life patterns. The highs and lows, the happy and sad, the easy and difficult. The rise and recession of the tide. The Yin and Yang. There will always be dark periods in our lives and there will always be moments of joy.

Our family has had it's fair share of both. We've been through some terrible times, some of them lasting months to years. And we've also had our lucky streaks that have lasted months as well. I don't think we have control over those moments, we can't make the untroubled times happen more often. It is what it is, and we're just on the ride and going with the flow. A lot of the good stuff in life is matter of luck.

In three weeks, we may come across some luck that is too good to be true. I try not to think about it as it's a rumor and uncertain. Most things in life that are too good to be true are just that. But if it's true and solid, it will be life changing for our family.

I am hoping and wishing harder than I ever have that this happens without any strings attached.

BOO!

2009-07-27T08:56:00.002-06:00

I'm sure someday this will come back to bite me in the butt. I can see Logan getting older and scaring me so much that I die of a heart attack right there on the spot, especially since I scare so easily.

Logan loves to be scared and startled. He thinks it's the funniest thing ever. It all started innocently enough, startling him by passing by when he least expected. "You scared me mom!" he would say laughing. Then it escalated. I would pop out from a door way and he would jump and laugh some more. "Do it again! Scare me again!" he would plead.

So, on and on this went, eventually becoming part of his bedtime routine. After Bill gets him out of the bath and dressed in his pajamas, they both sneak through the hallway to come scare me while I'm working in the office. I can hear Logan giggling and pausing by the doorway with his hands over his mouth. It is so funny! He comes running in, "I scared you mom!" and gives me a big hug.

Then one day last week, Bill came home from work a bit early. Logan was playing outside in the back yard and Bill hid in the living room behind the partial wall that separates the living room from the kitchen. I called Logan inside telling him that I wanted to show him something. He came in, unsuspecting, asking what was going on. Then Bill pops out with a yell and scared the living hell out of Logan. He let out a high-pitched scream, unlike any scream I've ever heard come from him before, and he jumped about a mile high. And then? He laughed and laughed. We were all laughing. I was laughing so hard I was crying, doubled over on the couch.

We still get a good laugh when we talk about it.

Carter is 10 months old

2009-07-24T11:22:00.003-06:00

On the move and getting into trouble. That's the stage Carter is in now at 10 months old.

Since he's so mobile, he refuses to lay down and go to sleep. He pops right up as if he were going to try and climb out of the crib. It's gotten to the point where I just have to let him try his best, cry and wear himself out after many failed attempts at getting him to settle down. Although, when is he asleep, he stays asleep for a good while.

He likes to hold his own bottles and actually refuses to eat if I'm holding him. It kind of makes it easy to give him a bottle while he's rolling around on the floor dealing with his own distractions and I can do my own thing. When he feeds himself a meal, food is flung all over the floor. I don't even bother with putting Cheerios in a bowl or blueberries on a plate. Everything goes right onto his high chair tray...and then all over the floor.

If he's not flinging food around, he's crawling at the speed of light, pulling up onto the stairs and cruising the furniture. He will grab a car and with it in his hand, crawl around "driving" it to whatever destination he had in mind.

He is starting to pay more attention to the TV when it's on and Logan is watching cartoons. They are both mesmerized by Sesame Street (which isn't bad I suppose, it could be worse). In addition to the TV, Logan is teaching Carter how to clap, walk, play with cars, read books and they play all sorts of wrestling bother-type games all morning. There are no words for how cute this is. The game they both want all of us to play is the "crawl -chase" game, where we are all crawling and playing tag upstairs. Carter laughs hysterically and it's infections. We all start belly laughing and squeal in delight together.

Carter babbles and is learning how to use his voice. He used to say Mama and Dada more often, but is over it now. It's the same with waving bye-bye and clapping is on the outs soon too. I think he gets bored with new skills and waits for the next to develop. He does his funny face where scrunches up his nose and snorts - totally hilarious. I finally got it on film, if only for a split second...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I love this age, and it's only a matter of weeks before it's gone and the toddler phase is in full force. I can see it already...

Time keeps on ticking

2009-07-23T22:20:00.004-06:00

Tonight Bill told me that his parents are back in town, only for a few short days at the tail end of their month-long vacation. We were supposed to have scheduled and appointment with Aunt Ju-Ju's counselor, just Bill and I, so we could work on (a pointless) mediation. Bill never called and wasn't proactive about getting this done. This procrastination was more than fine with me, as I wasn't about to ask him to, remind him to do it or even utter a word about anything related to his family. I was more than relieved that we never did this and won't have anything to do with them while they are in town over the weekend.

The happiness in our home has had some ups and downs over the last few weeks (unrelated to the in-laws) and we've finally pieced everything back together and got back on track (our usual pattern it seems - fall apart and piece together. Repeat). Adding in the extra stress of the in-law problem isn't something we need right now. We are on a good streak, everything is feeling hunky-dory, smiles, happy times and making fun memories with the kids. The last thing I want to do is start adding in turmoil and risk us spiraling down again.

In our conversation Bill was telling me about how depressing his parents visit to their home town was. Family members are getting older and some aren't expected to live much longer. Grandma L's brother-in-law is one of them. He isn't expected to live more than a few weeks. I sat there in the office chair listening to Bill tell me about his aging family members and thought how sad it was that his parents aren't too far behind in age. Their years are limited and they would rather spend them feuding rather than attempting to make amends, although, it really is too late for that now.

I wonder what they think. I wonder if the lies, the hateful words and the blatant disrespect was worth it.

Bill will see them tomorrow for lunch and I doubt anything meaningful will come from it. More conversation about the weather and superficial chit-chat. Just wasting more life.

Teaching him from the start

2009-07-21T19:07:00.003-06:00

When parents have two or more children, they often wonder what the siblings will teach each other, mostly, what the older ones will teach the younger ones. There are always jokes about bad habits being taught or older brothers teaching their younger siblings how to get into trouble, but there is a whole other side to that coin.

Logan loves to teach Carter anything and everything. He loves to teach him how to play with cars and now they play together every day. He loves to teach him how to clap (as he started clapping yesterday). Now? He loves to teach him how to walk.

Carter has been trying to walk and cruise the furniture. I've taken him by the hands and walked him around the living room with Logan yelling with excitement right beside him. "You're doing it! You're doing it all by yourself!"

This afternoon I left the two boys to play in the living room while I went upstairs to grab some work. I wasn't gone long, but longer than a few minutes. I came back down and Logan had Carter by the hands trying (not so gracefully) to walk him around the living room. Both of them were smiling, especially Carter. He loved it. After telling them how cute that was and praising Logan for being such a nice Big Brother, he (not so gracefully) let Carter drop to the floor, who was still all smiles.

Last week I had been talking with friends about the role of the oldest sibling. Being the oldest myself, I always felt responsible for my sisters at certain points. I would often get in trouble for things they did as well. My friends and I wonder if that's just what being a first born is all about or if it's something the parent puts on the eldest.

Logan certainly takes on responsibility for Carter, making sure baby gates are closed, entertaining him at times, and when I tell Carter No or try to redirect him after he's getting into trouble, Logan is right there to enforce the rules and take over the minute I turn my back. It seems he feels a bit responsible for the upbringing of his little brother. Already.

I often wonder how much of that is Logan and how much of that is me putting that responsibility on him. While most of it is cute now, will he resent it later in life? Will he always feel responsible for Carter? Is this a nature versus nurture situation?

The chicken or the egg?

2009-07-20T18:44:00.004-06:00

Kristin wonders if I'm crazy to keep myself busy of if I'm busy to keep myself from going crazy. That was my facebook status update sometime last week. I have been so busy, especially last week. It got me thinking. I tend to take on a lot - activities, responsibilities, obligations - do I do this because that's just how I roll or do I do this to escape from everything else?

I still can't tell.

I had quite a few "extracurricular" activities going on; a night out for margaritas and dinner with some friends one night, wine and cheese with others another night, cooking club, writing group, workouts all in addition to the kids activities of sports, playing at the park and a baby shower. At almost every function, I was asked "How do you do it all? You are so busy! Do you ever sleep??" Jokingly I would respond "It's the 6 cups of coffee I drink everyday", which really is the truth. Many times I ask myself this same question. How do I do all of this? I just do, I guess. Because I don't know what else I would do if I didn't.

Sometimes I think I would be absolutely miserable if I wasn't busy. If I was at home doing "home stuff" with the kids, lounging around in pajamas, coloring, playing with play-doh and watching them play with cars for hours on end - I would go nuts. Boredom doesn't sit well with me. I tend to get bored easily, but when I'm bored, I'm left alone with my thoughts which, depending on what's going on, could be a bad thing. The busier I am, the less I think, the happier I am. Maybe being busy is my drug. Much like how some escape through drugs and alcohol, I escape through groups, clubs and friends.

Weird.

What's even more strange is when everyone is asking me how I do it all, in my head I'm thinking, if you're not as busy as I am, what are you doing all day?

I'm not alone

2009-07-15T08:42:00.003-06:00

On both Sunday and Monday nights I went out with friends for some get away time. On Sunday night, it was margaritas with my wild and crazy friends who make me laugh hysterically and we always have the best time going out. We ate delicious Mexican food, drank our margarita limits (there's a limit of 2-3 at this place) and then took our pregnant designated driver out for an ice cream cone at Ben & Jerry's. It was a much needed break. We laughed, complained, vented, but mostly goofed off and laughed so hard we cried. I am so lucky to have this group of friends in my life because without them, I would be one miserable person.

On Monday night it was wine and cheese (mocktails for those who didn't drink) with mostly playgroup friends. It was a more relaxed night with lots of conversation. We ate spinach artichoke dip with fresh spinach from the host's garden (it was awesome), ate cheese and vegetables, cheesecake squares and talked the whole time.

On both nights, not only did I get a much needed break from my family, the much needed time to unwind and relax, but I also got a much needed reminder...

I'm not alone.

Whenever a group of moms get together the conversation always includes discussion about parenting issues that are being dealt with, like discipline, the stupid things our husbands do and say, how tired we all are and how do we all manage to do the things we do. It sounds like a massive venting session, but really, it's a time where a group of stay-at-home moms (or mostly stay-at-home) can connect because we're all experiencing the same challenges. It's a time where we are listened to by women who understand and these moments are vital to a mom's sanity level.

I needed this more than anything. The last few weeks here at home have been beyond draining. Then with Bill coming home and making comments that make me want to give him a concussion (like how I am the only one doing what I do), it's amazing that we're back on speaking terms (because we weren't for a while there).

Much like the comments that I get on this blog, all of my friends are in the same boat. Our kids can drive us nuts, we get frustrated, often find ourselves yelling more than we'd like and grasping at straws to keep it all together. Different things work for different kids and families, but we all understand what each other is going through. Getting that confirmation that I'm not the only one was more comforting than anything.

Instincts

2009-07-14T20:14:00.002-06:00

So, we all know those "Mom Instincts", right? The ones where you know something about your kid; when they are hungry and haven't said anything, when they need to go to the bathroom before they do the pee-pee dance, when your baby cries and you know exactly why. Those mom instincts. Well, mine are kicking in again with Logan. I think I need to send him back into speech therapy.

I brought up my minimal concern with Logan's pediatrician at his 3 year check-up. She wasn't concerned at all and said that if I'd like to, I could get him scheduled with the therapist, but she didn't think it was needed. So, I chalked it up to mommy paranoia and away we went and not scheduling an assessment.

As the months have gone by, I've paid close attention to his speech development. I know what he's saying all the time, even though I have to slide in a "Huh? What did you say?" every now and then. But, in comparison to his friends? My God, I don't know how anyone else can understand him! Some of his friends speak clear as a bell. His younger friends! Every word is understandable! Sentence structure and all. Logan is fluent in gibberish and his sentence structure is all over the place and enunciation needs a lot of work.

I've tried to work with him, correcting his speech, correcting grammatical errors (his vs hers, etc) and really working with him on enunciation, but I don't really see a difference. The more days that go by, the heavier my stomach feels and the more I think I need to have him evaluated before preschool.

So, once we get some things squared away, I'm going to get him checked out again. I hope I can do this before school starts and if not, I won't be too worried because I've already talked to his teachers about speech delays. They've had plenty of experience in that department. However, I think it would help if we knew what to work on before going to school.

Ugh. I can't believe we're back here again.

Vacation alone?

2009-07-10T14:19:00.002-06:00

One perk to having a job with a company is that you get vacation days. Moms don't get those. Or do they? Over the last week my brain went haywire (for MANY reasons) and steam came blowing out of my ears. Part of the problem was that I was (am) frustrated to the max (with MANY things) and asked for help. Logan is one of the parts of life I need help with. He just doesn't listen. TO ANYTHING I SAY. I know this is not uncommon and every mom with kids deals with this on a daily basis, but sometimes, this whole being ignored routine (by everyone) is like Chinese Water Torture. I get worn down and then snap.

This tends to happen to people who are over-worked and need a break. That's when most people take vacations days and hang out at the beach for a while. It came up in conversation that I should go on vacation. Alone.

Bill has plenty of vacation time and can take a week to stay at home with the boys while I go on vacation by myself. Going to Portland to see my sisters was mentioned, and I would love to, but would also feel kind of weird going without the kids. Does this sound weird to anyone else but me? Given the chance, would everyone grab their suitcase and start booking flights before their husband could even finish the sentence "...vacation alone..."?

I talked to a few friends and with mouths dropped to the floor "He said what? GO! DO IT!" and of course a group vacation was mentioned. This I would do. If everyone could really do it.

So, yeah. I need a vacation. Desperately. Who knows if it will actually happen.

Intervals

2009-07-07T18:59:00.001-06:00

Soundtrack: Girl Talk - Feed The Animals

Rhythmically
One foot in front of the other
Shoulders swing to tempo
Breath in and out

Pick up the pace
Inhale deeper
Recognize the burn
Concentrate on the music...

"West Side walk it out
South side walk it out
East side walk it out
North side walk it out"

Adrenaline rush explodes
Shiver down the spine
Flowing through the veins
Saturating the marrow

Goosebumps
Hair stands up
Flesh tingles
Cool ecstasy covers skin

"I got my drink and my two step, my drink and my two step
Got my drink and my two step, my drink and my two step
It's on! It's on, it's on (and I'm home) (Get the Patron and tell 'em that it's on)
I got my drink and my two step, my drink and my two step
Got my drink and my two step, my drink and my two step It's on!
It's on, it's on (and I'm home) (Get the Patron and TELL 'EM THAT IT'S ON)"

Wave of exhilaration
Faster
Harder
Pushing the limits to feel

Lungs expand
Chest heaves
Muscles ache
Legs sting
Mind clears
Soul releases

"Drop n gimme 50, drop n gimme 50
Girl drop n gimme 50, Drop n gimme 50, drop n gimme 50
Drop n gimme 50, girl drop n gimme 50"

Rage
Frustration
Elation
Drive
Satisfaction
Control

Pain
Intensity
Emotion
Experience the beat...

"Come on, come one, come on Let me show you what it's all about!"

Crescendo
Euphoria peaks
Head pounding
Body throbbing

Accelerate faster
Punish harder
Suffer more
Endure longer

"Body movin' body movin'
A1 sound in the town so soothing Body movin' body movin'
We be getting down and you know we're crush groovin'"

Lip biting
Grip tightening
Moan stifling
Physical tormenting

Control the cadence
The gasp
The torture
Refuse to surrender

"Gimme Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more"

Base bumping
Heart thumping
Face dripping
Psyche focusing

Music moves
Body strides
Mind propels
Emotion fuels

"Upside down and inside out I'm about to show all you folks What's it's all about
Now it's time for a brother to get on the mic And make this mother party hype
I'm taking it back to the old school 'Cause I'm an old fool who's so cool
If you want to get down I'm gonna show you the way whoomp there it is
Let me hear you say"

Sweating it out
Letting go
Physical relief
Cardio catharsis

4th of July holiday weekend

2009-07-06T06:55:00.001-06:00

With the weather we've been having these last few months, sometimes I wonder if we're back in Portland again. We've had more rain than I can ever remember in the years we've been living in Colorado. It's getting a bit irritating because every single outdoor activity we plan is ruined by rain; planting flowers on Mother's Day, playing disc golf at a certain course on Father's Day, and the 4th of July was no exception.

Bill had Friday off, so we planned on going out for a country breakfast and playing some disc golf at a course in the woods. We woke up to rain and mud. Frustrated that our plans were dashed yet again, we decided to go anyway. We drove to this restaurant we talked about reviewing, watching the sky look more and more scary. Just as we were pulling up, thunder and lighting started. As we were eating, it rained and poured.

By the time we were finished, the sky was blue again and everything was wet. We went to the course anyway where we fought off mosquitoes and Logan stomped through puddles and fell in the mud. He had so much fun. Bill also had a great time, shooting a hole-in-one for the first time this season. It was an impressive shot! Carter, while tired because we messed with his nap schedule, was happy in the Kelty pack and enjoyed the ride.

On Saturday I took Logan to go see the new Ice Age movie, just the two of us (after Bill said that we needed to bond after I wanted to strangle him all weekend). It was fun and he was listening pretty well. It was cute to watching him inhale the movie popcorn.

When we got home, we thought it would be the perfect time to help Logan learn to ride his bike - that he so adamantly doesn't want to ride. He gets frustrated because he peddles backward and starts breaking. So we worked with him, encouraging him and letting him ride in the street of our cul-du-sac. He did great! He went back and forth, only breaking occasionally, until he fell off his bike and landed on his head. He got some respectable road rash on his forehead. Bill and I did not have him wear a helmet because we honestly didn't think he was going to ride that far. Our mistake! But, he was fine. He shook it off and ate a Popsicle, all smiles again. Next time he's not riding without protection.

We had plans to hang out in the driveway coloring on the sidewalk, light some fire works and eat hot dogs later that night. Again, we were rained out. Carter was in bed by 5:00, Logan and I had only 20 minutes or so to color and we discovered that our town doesn't allow for fireworks anyway - only pops and lame streamers. It was dumping buckets again, so we didn't think it was a good idea to go to the park to watch the City's firework display, however, Bill did end up taking Logan to his office patio where they could watch the show in a dry place while I stayed home with the sleeping baby. Logan evidently had a blast.

I would not say that this was the best holiday weekend ever, but it could have been worse. It's all because our plans never go as, well, planned. It just sucks that we're getting rained out all of the time!

Water Babies

2009-06-30T20:05:00.002-06:00

This afternoon we went swimming for the first time this summer. Yeah. It's almost July. And we haven't been to the pool yet. Really, the weather for the last few months has been crappy - rain and or hail storms every night, regular tornado warnings that have caused people to take cover in the basement and the weekends haven't been much better. I think we've finally come around the corner leaving severe weather behind and now were headed into HOT.

Anyway, we were at the pool for a birthday party. It was a lot of fun with all of our close friends there. Logan has an awesome farmer's tan (because we haven't been swimming only playing in the back yard) and when I lathered SPF 70 on his fair skin, it didn't really blend in well, making him look even more ghostly white than he already is. I laughed joking how he was goth and never sees the light of day. He really did look an odd color.

He had a fantastic time with his friends though. He jumped in the kids pool and splashed and laughed with pure joy. "I'm so happy! This is so fun!", he exclaimed many times in the three hours we were there. He was cute and pretty well behaved.

It was Carter's very first time in the pool. He LOVED it. He had a very rough morning, skipping his nap, so I thought he was going to be a total grump. I sat in the pool with him cradled in my lap with his big, green, floppy hat covering his delicate baby face. He cuddled up relaxing in the hypnotizing motion of the water. I thought he was going to fall asleep and take his nap on me, but didn't. He got a second wind and splashed away. He loved standing and holding onto the side of the pool (clearly, it wasn't a deep baby pool) and at other times, he enjoyed sitting between my legs on the side of the pool kicking his feet in the water. He grinned his incredibly cute two-tooth smiles all afternoon.

I am kicking myself for not having the camera battery charged.

After three hours of solid pool time, it was time to go. Both boys fell asleep instantaneously when we got in the car. The rest of the day was spent laying low at home with the smell of chlorine emitting from us until bath time.

Man, I love summer.

Lazy summer

2009-06-29T15:12:00.002-06:00

It was a weekend of chill. Nothing excited happened. We did get the baby pool blown up for the first time this summer for Carter. Logan wanted nothing to do with it. In fact, he wanted to sit in it without water. He even stomped around the back yard pouting because he didn't want water in there. Sigh. This three year old attitude will be a post later this week...

Anyway, Carter had a great time and I am kicking myself for not having the camera on hand. He got to go in naked-baby style, splashing and crawling with big smiles on his face. It was cute. I had him out there in the late afternoon so the water had a chance to warm up and his risk of sunburning was minimal. He was even brave enough to crawl around in the grass - something he hasn't wanted to do this whole summer until now.

But, yeah. That's about it. I will take a boring weekend over one filled with family dramatics any day. I have a couple of poems stirring around inside that I can't seem to get out. It's been a while since I've felt even remotely poetic. So, we'll see if they come to fruition....

It's a trap!

2009-06-26T13:45:00.002-06:00

Last week my ESP kicked in and I knew something was going on with the in-laws. After asking a few questions, I discovered that Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju were trying to convince Bill to go to counseling with them - by himself. He said he kept telling then 'No'. The feeling I had was never resolved after finding out this information. My intuition was keeping me on alert because there was more to the story. Something else was going to happen.

Wednesday night Bill told me that Aunt Ju-Ju scheduled an appointment for the next day and Grandma L was guilt tripping Bill into going. They never accepted his rejection and rather than talking about why he was saying no (despite him telling them during their last visit that we aren't going any further with them until they take an introspective look at their part of the issue), they ignored everything and kept pressuring. She told him that they didn't have to talk about the cut-off issue and that they were going to talk about "their family" (Grandma L, Grandpa L, Aunt Ju-Ju and Bill). Manipulation at it's finest.

He told me he was going because he wanted to figure out what kind of relationship he has with them. They have never had any type of communication skills at all, resorting to superficial conversation about the weather and crap like that. Since the cut-off with me and the boys, Bill apparently doesn't talk to his family much anymore. Not by my demand, but because they really have nothing to say to each other, even the pointless drivel. He wanted to figure out what direction they were going.

I tried to tell him that they weren't going to talk about anything other than the cut-off. That it was a chance for them to corner him and continue with the Kristin-bashing without me there. I tried to tell him that it was a trap, and to explain once again, that the Cleaver Family that he wants them to be does not exist, it never did and it will never be that way. He still went anyway.

And I was right.

Apparently the session only lasted 20 minutes. In the first five minutes, they got in there and started talking and of course got to the root of the problem - the cutoff - in which Bill pulled the breaks on them and said he wasn't going to talk about that issue without me there. The next 20 minutes (the rest of the session) was Bill talking to the counselor one-on-one without his mom or sister in there.

She told him it was pointless to continue counseling until we get the big picture straightened out. He told her that in order for us to move forward, I need a sincere apology from both of them. At the very least, I need them to admit the truth and stop lying. The counselor said that may never happen (haven't we known this all along?). She wants to do a mediation where Bill and I go in and talk with her by ourselves, then at a different session, Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L go in and talk with her. Once again, this is a HUGE waste of time. The problem is so big and we are so far gone that the damage is irreparable. I will never get what I need from them. Ever. Otherwise I would have already gotten it.

I told Bill that I would go see this counselor with him for our side of the mediation, but I am not going to do another session with his family. I've learned my lesson from the last session with them. His mom and sister are very capable of picking up the phone and doing what needs to be done if they are serious about mending our broken family. They aren't.

It kills me that Bill still can't see the situation clearly. He was totally mislead and fell into their trap, not wanting to believe that they were manipulating him. I am proud of him for stopping the situation and not letting them go any farther with their attempts to drive us apart. I am proud of him for standing up for me as well, expressing my needs in my defense. This is a huge step and it restores some lost trust from the past. I just wish he could accept that his family is never going to change or do anything to resolve the hurt. I know that's hard for him to do.

They are here for a week (I think) and I'm sure this won't be the last attempt at guilt trips and manipulation. Unfortunately.

Carter at 9 months old

2009-06-24T08:19:00.000-06:00

He got his first tooth a couple of weeks ago, small, white and shiny on the bottom left. The second is coming soon, already having erupted through the gums. He crawls around everywhere, following me around the house, chasing after Logan and speed crawling to meet Bill at the door when he comes home from work. He learned how to crawl up the stairs just yesterday, now causing me more worry. He babbles "Ma Ma" and "Da Da", knowing exactly what he's saying and who he wants attention from.

He is nine months old.

He not only crawls and climbs stairs, but pulls himself up standing. He plays with cars the most and plays along with Logan. They also wrestle and climb all over each other. He prefers Big Kid toys rather than baby toys. He used to wave bye-bye, but not anymore since he realizes that we think it's so cute. He does exceptionally well at the gym and has gone up to the two hour max without a melt down.

He is so cute.

He loves to feed himself Cheerios and blueberries. Not so much of a fan of cheese or peas and carrots unless they are pureed. He started eating banana again, but I refuse to try avocado since it makes him gag. He likes to hold his own bottle which is nice. He is a great sleeper and fights nap times and bedtimes very little. He is incredibly cute when he clutches his blanket close to his face and sucks on his thumb. He's not nearly as dependent on the pacifier as Logan was.

He is becoming more of his own person.

He is 28 inches long (40%), 17 pounds and 2 ounces (5%) and his head is 17 1/4 inches (30%). He is outgrowing his 9 month clothes and is making his way into 12 month sizes. He has an infectious smile and is in good spirits for the majority of the day. He loves to snuggle if it's only for a brief minute before he's off getting into trouble. He is fond of the cat who is so patient with his hair pulling and ear poking. He and Logan hold hands in the back seat while we drive around town.

He is growing so fast.

Traditional "Disc Golf With Dad" Father's Day Family Outing

2009-06-23T08:08:00.000-06:00

It's what he likes to do. It's what we do with him every year and probably will until his arms fall off. Disc Golf. It's fun to get out and spend some time together, but it's more fun to watch Bill teach Logan The Ways (brain wash him).

This year Logan was quite stubborn since he's in this "I can't do it all by myself!" phase, claiming that he can't do anything by himself, gets extremely frustrated before even trying and throwing all sorts of fits when asked to do anything on the face of the Earth. That's really a daily thing, but it was especially this way playing disc golf. It was still fun (and hot) nonetheless. And Carter really enjoyed watching Bill play. In a few years, all of these guys are going to be throwing rounds together and it's going to be cute (to me. To them it will be "cool").

It was really funny when Logan was helping me write on Bills' card. I asked him want he wanted to write and we wrote it together:

"Daddy likes robots"
"Daddy likes monsters"
"Daddy likes ghosts"

Yeah. I don't know what that's all about, but it's hilarious.

We hope you had a Happy Fathers Day. Thanks for being a great Dad to our boys, Billy. Yeah, you could be more of a disciplinarian but I guess somebody has to be the Good Cop, right? We're lucky it's you.

Hard work deserves rewards

2009-06-22T07:16:00.001-06:00

One day not too long ago, I looked down at my body with a twisted face and gasped. "What in the hell happened to me?" I thought to myself while staring at the aftermath of what my 29 year old body has gone through. I lucked out and didn't get many stretch marks from two pregnancies, so it wasn't so much what happened to the lower half of me, but the top half.

I've nursed two babies. My breasts have done their job, punching the time clock at the milk factory every three hours for two years. This year they even worked overtime, on the hour every hour for a week straight. They are now retired and it shows.

In the past when someone mentioned how they wanted to go under the knife, I always wondered why they couldn't accept their body for how it was. Just be happy with what you've got! In fact, months ago while I was still nursing Carter, I had a conversation with Bill about it as we were watching some kind of plastic surgery show on TV. "I don't get it. Why would someone spend all of that money on their body? There's so much danger in surgery and then you have to go back every 10 years or so to get replacements? Wow! We're all going to get old, ugly and wrinkly anyway. What's the point?"

At the time, I might have been in the "working" mindset. The frame of mind in which my body was doing it's job and these parts were employed for a very important and specific task - to feed my babies. They were not multi-purpose or held two jobs (if you will).

Now that nursing is over and they will never need to return to slave labor? I get it now.

I've never been "blessed" in this area. In fact, of all the women in my family, I got the short end of the stick with these genetics. For a long time I was fine with that. I accepted that this was how I was built, these were the cards that I was dealt and I didn't obsess about how I could be different. I was fine with how everything changed after nursing Logan. Really, they weren't very different! But then, after Carter? Wow, did things change. And I'm not happy nor accepting of it.

I think it may be one thing to accept how you were born, but it's another thing to accept how you've changed. It's a hard pill for me to swallow. I think of stretch marks as "battle scars" (maybe because I don't have too many). Wider hips give a more womanly shape. However, there's nothing positive about deflated, small (and smaller than they were) boobs.

If we had the money, I'd change how things are. These retirees should get decent pension for a job well done. I'd get an upgrade and they'd get to travel around in a brand new RV rather than a beat up Oldsmobile.

A sample of a different life

2009-06-18T11:28:00.002-06:00

For the last week Bill has been away on business. He came back this afternoon. From Monday, I took care of everything and everyone, from breakfast to bedtime. Really, it wasn't that hard. In actuality being a single parent is only a few extra hours of "work" a day for me. Bill is the one to get Logan breakfast and then bathed and tucked into bed. I do everything else in the middle and everything for Carter. It wasn't that big of a deal when he was gone. Meals, errands, activities, discipline, routines - I've got it down and have done so since Day One. Plus, I did get some nice breaks by going to the gym - either training clients or getting my own workout in. Yesterday Carter lasted the full 2 hour max. It was awesome.

If anything were to happen to Bill or if anything were to happen to us and our relationship, I know without a doubt that I would be able to handle being a single parent. Sure, it can be exhausting and it's nice to share the load, but there's no question - I can do it. Not a problem.

What I would have a hard time with though is the loneliness. Sitting around the house at night by myself while the boys are asleep, going to bed alone, not having the physical touch. After eating dinner alone with the kids, it really starts to hit. 7:00pm bedtime routines start and once I close the door to Logan's room after tucking him in, the emptiness smothers the house like a dark fleece blanket. It's quiet. Too quiet.

I'm really glad he doesn't travel much.

Perfect picnic

2009-06-17T09:56:00.006-06:00

Over the last weekend, we went to the annual end of the year picnic for our Club. It's fun chatting, meeting the husbands of friends and eating the potluck goodies. This year I made s'mores brownies which were a big hit and I've been sending out the recipe all week.

Part of the fun for our event is that we rent out the train at one of the parks and the kids can ride over and over again to their hearts content. Logan was so excited this year and couldn't wait to ride the train. He had a blast with all of his little buddies and every time the train would circle the track, he would wave to us. A beauty queen wave, no less. I have no idea where he learned how to do it, but it was hilarious. He was so funny the entire night, being the cool kid with his sunglasses. Carter also rode the train - for the first time (!) and loved it too. He was a little sketched out when we went through the tunnel and the kids screamed, but not too bad. He still smiled afterward.

We were lucky we didn't get rained on, especially considering that every day last week we were hit with afternoon hail storms and we've been under constant tornado warnings. It was actually a nice evening for dinner and everything went off without a hitch. Good times!